The Motor Forum

simonp · Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 8:52 pm Post subject:

A woman goes to the doctor.

Doctor she says I have a problem. Every time I walk I fart. Really he says, would you mind just walking across the floor for me? She does and sure enough a series of farts are emitted. And would you mind walking back again. sure enough some more farts are heard.

With that he reaches under his desk and pulls out a large rod with a hook on the end.

"You aren't going to stick that up my arse, are you doctor?"

"No I'm going to open the window, there's a terrible smell in here!"

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 2:32 pm Post subject:

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

Blarno · Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 3:46 pm Post subject:

A scruffy drunk walks into a restaurant bar, orders a large snifter and starts to play the piano. He plays a beautiful tune that nobody had heard before which prompts the manager to approach and ask him what it's called. "I just shat on your car after shagging your mum" said the drunk.
Slightly taken aback, the manager asks him to play another tune. Just as mesmerised, he once again asks it's name. "I blew my load up your sister's arse" was the reply.
After a few more tunes the manager agrees to hire him if he tidies himself up and never mentions the names of his tunes to the customers.
The next night, the drunk arrives early, wearing a suit and sinks a few before disappearing into the toilets for fifteen minutes. When he emerges late for his performance, the manager approaches and says "good Lord, do you know your cock's hanging out and there's spunk all over your shoes"?
Know it? said the drunk. I fuckin' wrote it.
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This is only gonna end in one of two ways, and in both of them you die.

BeN · Posted: Thu Oct 01, 2009 8:08 am Post subject:

If rock bands formed the US Government...

Secretary of Energy: AC/DC
Secretary of Labour: Men At Work
Secretary of Defence: Guns N' Roses
Secretary of Transportation: Journey
Secretary of Education: The Lettermen
Secretary of the Treasury: Dire Straits

Secretary of Agriculture: The Black Eyed Peas
Attorney General: The Righteous Brothers
Office of Management and Budget: Cheap Trick
Drug Enforcement Administration: The Temptations
Food and Drug Administration: Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Crowded House
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On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

Blarno · Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 9:37 am Post subject:

Boyzone's Stephen Gately found dead with chocolate round his arsehole.
Police believe George Michael was careless with his Wispa.
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This is only gonna end in one of two ways, and in both of them you die.

DradusContact · Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 9:43 am Post subject:

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Boxer6 · Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 9:30 pm Post subject: VATICAN HUMOR

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
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Just keepin' on keeping on.

Blarno · Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 1:43 pm Post subject:

How did stevie wonder burn his ear?

He answered the iron.

How did he burn his other ear?

They rang back.
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This is only gonna end in one of two ways, and in both of them you die.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 10:41 am Post subject:

DradusContact · Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 11:29 am Post subject:

RIP Scatman John.
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Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 1:22 pm Post subject:

BeN · Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 8:35 am Post subject:

Since we're onto pictures now...

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On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 3:47 pm Post subject:

Found these, on the theme of the Ukraine/England game only being broadcast on the internet:

TimR · Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 3:49 pm Post subject:

I like the 2nd one.

Blarno · Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 4:58 pm Post subject:

What't the best thing about shagging a transvestite from behind?

Reaching round and thinking you've gone right through...
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This is only gonna end in one of two ways, and in both of them you die.

DradusContact · Posted: Mon Oct 19, 2009 9:04 am Post subject:

DradusContact · Posted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 1:42 pm Post subject:

ANARCHIC comic Viz celebrates its 30th birthday next week.

Launched in 1979 by Newcastle brothers Chris and Simon Donald and Jim Brownlow, it is famed for foul-mouthed characters such as Roger Mellie and The Fat Slags. Surreal Top Tips, submitted by its readers, are also hugely popular.

Here JAMES ELLIS picks his favourites...

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills by giving your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for 50p.

IDENTICAL twins. Use Morse code to cheat in exams by stabbing yourself in the arm with a sharp compass. The other twin, at home with a text book, can "feel" the question and stab you back the answers.

SPAGHETTI BOLOGNAISE makes great intestines for a badly wounded Action Man.

GIVE your office that fabric shop feel by pushing all the desks together and fixing rulers along one edge with Blu-Tack.

CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

FOOTBALLERS, pass the ball slowly amongst your defenders and goalkeeper during extra time and then moan about the "insane lottery" of a penalty shoot-out. MINOR skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

CLIMB on to your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours'. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your fog lights switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

CHEER loudly at 8pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

X-FILES fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate - Mr KVL 741Y

AVOID jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

THICKEN runny, low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

A NEXT door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

DETER goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any you catch in the act.

SWEETCORN fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

INVITED by vegetarians for dinner? As you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours - ask for a nice steak.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to "fast wipe" whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

OLD contact lenses make ideal portholes for small model boats.
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Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 5:38 pm Post subject:

Q: What do you call two men hanging from a window?
A: Curt and Rod.

Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in the laundry.

Q: How did Captain Hook die
A: Wiped with the wrong hand

Q: What do you call a male tea-bag?
A: He-brew

I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans. Got a call centre in Afghanistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Q: Did you here about the cross-eyed teacher?
A: She couldn't keep control of her pupils.

Q: What do you call a one-legged lady?
A: Eileen.

Q: What do you call a Japanese one-legged lady?
A: Irene.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

Two Arab pickpockets in a cafe chat about their latest escapades. One notices that the other has a scar around both wrists. "I see you won your appeal"

Q: what kind of bees give you milk
A: Boo-bees

Q: Two glasgwegian cows in a field, which one's on holiday
A: The one wi the wee calf.

Q: Did you hear about the persistant raver?
A: He wouldnt techno for an answer.

A brown paper bag goes to the doctor feeling unwell. The doctor does some quick tests and says 'you're a haemophiliac' to which the bag replies 'how did I catch that?' The doc replies, 'your Mother must have been a carrier'

Statistically, nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.

Q: What do you call an Irish man holding 2 pieces of glass?
A: Paddy O'Doors

If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?

I saw a Frenchman playing football on a Nintendo earlier. It was Thierry on Wii.

Q: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
A: Wi Jammin.

Q: How do his friends like theirs?
A: I don't know, but I hope they like Jammin too

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: You take away its credit card.

Q: Who's the coolest guy in a Hospital?
A: The ultrasound man!

Q: WHo's the second coolest?
A: The hip replacement man!

Two bees meet in New York City.
Bee no.1 "Hey bee no.2, why do you look so depressed?"
Bee no.2, "I cannot find any plants in this whole damn concrete desert. What will the hive say when I come back without food?"
Bee no.1, "There's a Bar Mitzvah over in Forest Hills with flowers and fruit galore, just go there and load up".
A couple of hours later bee no.2 comes back covered in pollen and glory.
Bee no.2, "Thanks for the tip, now I can return to the hive."
Bee no.1, "Great, but tell me, why are you wearing a yarmulke?"
Bee no.2, "Well, I didn't want the guests to think I was a WASP."

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners... On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says " Come Again"... The blonde says "no it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch"

My gran was recently beaten to death by my Grandad. He died just before her.

Q: Why don't tampons ever say hello to each other?
A: Because they're all stuck up c**ts

Q: What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A: Christopher Walken.

Q: Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
A: So they won't have to be nice while they fix them.

I just found out Stevie Wonder is married. This shocked me because I didn't think he was seeing anyone.

It recently became apparent to me that the letters "T and G" are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending e-mails I send from work with the phrase "Regards" again.

Q: Why didn't the lifeguard resuce the hippie?
A: Because he was like.... too far out, man...

A Buddhist goes to a hot-dog stand in New York City and says to the vendor, "I want you to make me one with everything.". When he pays, and the hot-dog seller offers him his change, he says "no, change must come from within"

What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?

This years strawberry picking contest has been won by a woman with no legs! The jammy c**t.

A guy walks into the bar and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her and we had sex over and over again. All the positions - everything!" His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?" "No, I couldn't find her head."

2 DJ's meet up. "Do you fancy going to the cinema tonight?" "Maybe. Who's the projectionist?"

Q: Why is a KFC like an Essex girl?
A: Because after you've finished with the breasts, there's a greasy box to put your bone in.

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some Cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory,
because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things
with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit
confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such
a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home.
Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Jane.
"And the third?" "That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted
to say thanks for his new ears."

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?

Q: Why are pirates called pirates
A: Dunno, they just arrrrrrgh

I was asked to run a marathon. At first I said, 'Naaahhh!' Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought........ hang on, I could win this.......!

BeN · Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 6:34 pm Post subject:

They're all funny, but I like this one best:

Gooner · Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 12:11 am Post subject:

Excellent. Referring to that birds bomb doors as looking like a badly packed kebab had me in tears. I'll have to remember that one!
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- Insert clever and/or amusing quote here -

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 9:14 am Post subject:

I suffer from kleptomania. When it gets really bad, I have to take something for it.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put some in the food.

Money isn't everything, but it certainly makes the kids keep in touch.

Corduroy pillows make the headlines!

I found Jesus ... he was in the trunk when I got back from Tijuana.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 1:53 pm Post subject:

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Than he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the women was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 1:53 pm Post subject:

Two women were playing golf when one teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I may be able to help relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away, laid them to the side, loosened his pants and placed her hands inside on his groin.

She administered a tender massage for several long moments and asked,

"How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels pretty good, but my thumb still hurts like ****."

Boxer6 · Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 2:01 pm Post subject:

Nick, do you use these as an antidote to German comedy?

Just wondered!!
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Just keepin' on keeping on.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 2:05 pm Post subject:

Like everyone else on t'internet, I merely keep them circulating.

DradusContact · Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 5:14 pm Post subject:

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Boxer6 · Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 6:08 pm Post subject:

Jasper · Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 4:28 pm Post subject:

Where do Grunpy people sit on a bus?

Up front of course, they're called drivers.

Boxer6 · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 5:31 pm Post subject: The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Boxer6 · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:55 pm Post subject:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't
mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's
pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you
doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids
the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to
him,
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could
be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business
card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

"What the feck would they want with a plasterer??!"
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Gurney · Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 3:32 pm Post subject:

Alex Ferguson flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for him to join the squad at Old Trafford.

Two weeks later Man U are 4-0 down at Arsenal with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals and wins the game for Man U.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says (in an Iraqi accent). 'I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media - they all love me.

'Wonderful,' says his Mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset, 'What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!! I'm afraid sorry isn't good enough' says his Mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Manchester in the first place!'
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A Gentleman: Def: A male of the species who can play the Trombone.

But refrains from doing so.

DradusContact · Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 3:53 pm Post subject:

Along the same lines:

Diary of Elizabeth Fritzl

MONDAY: Stayed in. Dad came down and f*cked me.

TUESDAY: Stayed in. Got f*cked by dad.

WEDNESDAY: Stayed in. Dad f*cked me.

THURSDAY: Stayed in. Got f*cked by dad.

FRIDAY: Stayed in. Got f*cked by dad.

SATURDAY: Went to watch United. Wish I'd stayed in.
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Gurney · Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 3:58 pm Post subject:

As a Blue you won't believe how much that's cheered me up

Shouldn't laugh but hey....
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A Gentleman: Def: A male of the species who can play the Trombone.

But refrains from doing so.

DradusContact · Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 3:59 pm Post subject:

Sites and sites of them there are!

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Gooner · Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 2:02 am Post subject:

Might of had this one but it's a favourite:

Subject: Drug warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere.
It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
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- Insert clever and/or amusing quote here -

woof woof · Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 3:35 pm Post subject:

An ex of mine just sent me this...

Fred goes into a pub toilet and sees a man with no arms standing at the urinal.

"Can you pull my cock out so that I can have a pee and then shake it and put it away please?" Says the man with no arms.

Felling very awkward the Fred proceeds....noticing that the mans cock is covered in scabs, scars and ridges. After shaking, replacing and
doing up the mans zip Fred says "Can I ask..what's happened to your cock."

"Fook knows" says the man while taking his arms out from under his coat "But I'm not touching it."
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woof woof's defence lawyer claimed that "Booze played no part in his typo's."

Confucius says "all reckless speeding is caused by accidents."

DradusContact · Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 3:59 pm Post subject:

_________________

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 4:30 pm Post subject:

Q: How do you stop a dog shagging your leg?
A: Pick it up and suck its nob.

TimR · Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 4:43 pm Post subject:

Sky are rumoured to be close to launching their own dedicated Scottish Channel later this month, and have previewed what they are intending to broadcast

Here's a selection of the listed programmes:

Sky Wan

9am News and whaur it's pishin doon

9.30am How claty is yer hoose?

This week the ladies pay a visit to a man whose wife shot the craw only three days ago to find the entire hoose under five inches of stoor and the cludgy honkin o' pish

10am The Mags Hainey Show

Early mornin chat show hosted by big Mags Hainey in which neds and Sengas settle their petty differences by screaming obscenities and attacking each other with furniture for the amusement of the viewing public. This morning's episode is entitled "Whaur's ma effin hoosekeepin money disappeared tae?"

12.30pm News and whaur it's pishin doon

1pm Neeburs

Soap opera set in the village of Kinghorn in Fife. This week Archie accuses Morag of being in league with Lucifer and has her burned at the stake

2pm Film

Angels wi Manky Coupons

4pm Tam the Tank Engine

Tam goes aff the rails and the Fat Controller is chuffed tae bits

4.15pm Boab the Builder

Reality show where Boab is investigated by the Inland Revenue

6pm News and whaur it's pishin doon

7pm Doaktir Whae

In this week's episode the Scottish time traveller takes the TARDIS back tae 1966 and breks Geoff Hurst's legs wae a sonic Glesca screwdriver

7.30pm Torn Faced Cockney Wankers

Eastenders wi' subtitles. In tonight's episode, Pauline gets her jotters fae the steamie while the rest o' the cast stoat aboot wi' faces the length o' Leith Walk

9pm Fitba Player's Burds

Drama surrounding the players of fourth division Auchtermuchty Rovers and their off-pitch antics. This week Boaby is worried that the club is facing relegation while Moira is gettin baw deep from the Aberfeldy Academicals goalie

10pm News and whaur it's pishin doon

12.30am Merrit Wi Weans

Re-make of the popular American sit-com 'Married With Children.' In this week's episode, Al sits in front o' the telly scratchin his baws while Meg is still chokin on her Nat King Cole

1.30am The Beechgrove Back-Green

The boys plans tae dae up a gairdin in Niddrie are scuppered when local neds eff off wi the wheelbarra

2.15am Close Doon

Boxer6 · Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 10:40 pm Post subject:

Sky? That's STV surely?!?!

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Just keepin' on keeping on.

Boxer6 · Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 10:50 am Post subject:

Catholic Horses

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a Priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse--a very long shot--- won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old Priest step onto the track.

Sure enough, as the horses of the 5th race came to the starting gate the Priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the Priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless for the 6th race.

The Priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money.

By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the Priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.

Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won.

Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings---all of it!".

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

"Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."
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Just keepin' on keeping on.

Gurney · Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 11:21 am Post subject:

THE HUMBLED PARROT

John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a terrible attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and more rude! In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer!

For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet! Not a peep was heard for over a minute!

Fearing that he’d killed the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude! As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
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A Gentleman: Def: A male of the species who can play the Trombone.

But refrains from doing so.

Big TC · Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 11:59 am Post subject:

Big TC · Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 12:33 pm Post subject:

What sort of animal has a cunt halfway up its back?

A police horse.
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It's a '57 Pontiac Star Chief, dontchaknow.

Blarno · Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 1:57 pm Post subject:

Blarno · Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 4:17 pm Post subject:

John visits Dave who’s laid up at home with a broken leg.
Dave says “My feet are freezing mate, can you nip upstairs and get my slippers?” “No probs” says John.

Upstairs Dave's stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their bed. “Hello girls, your dad sent me to shag you two”.
“Fuck off you liar” they said.

“I'll prove it” says John and he shouts downstairs, “both of them Dave?”
“Of course” shouts John, “whats the point in fucking one?!“
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This is only gonna end in one of two ways, and in both of them you die.

DradusContact · Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 4:22 pm Post subject:

This John sounds like a smart bloke.
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Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 4:49 pm Post subject:

Blarno · Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 8:32 pm Post subject:

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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This is only gonna end in one of two ways, and in both of them you die.

BeN · Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 10:55 am Post subject:

Poems from the toilets

Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some ******* stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted

And the reply:
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls ,
And read the bullshit on the walls....
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On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008