The Motor Forum

Humphrey The Pug · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 5:46 pm Post subject: Daughters and their boyfriend's

My daughter is 17 and just started college after finishing her GCSE's, studying photography.

She has been "going out" with her bloke for almost a year now, first off he seemed ok, pleasant, polite, happy for a chat etc but there has always been this nagging thing about his attitude and what he feels about life in general, plus he has mood swings a bit due to his ADHD, nothing major but a bit grumpy sometimes.

Recently, well in the last few months, just before her college course things were cooling a bit between the two as my daughter was moving on to a new chapter in her life, meeting new people with similar interests and wanting to immerse herself in her photography and realising Charlie didn't really have any direction in his life and fed up with his "whole world deserves him a favour attitude" and she spent the weekend at Reading festival with him where he was a complete arse to her and his friends and they split up for a bit.

He is at the Academy For Music in Guildford studying music, specifically the drums, but he regularly bunks off then moans when his grades are shit.

They are now back together and seem stronger then ever but I can't see why as she is always moaning about him having no ambition, he can sometimes be awful to her, rude etc, the same to his parents, frankly he can be a complete wanker to his mum and dad, he never treats her, is becoming more miserable around us and basically he thinks the whole world should revolve around him. Tina doesn't really like him anymore, at first she really took to him, my dad and step mum can't stand him and I'm worried that he will drag my daughter down with him, although I think she is strong enough not to get caught up too much in his attitude.

Anyway after my waffle, why do seemingly intelligent young women stick with men like this? when I ask her why she bothers her reply is "because I love him and he can be really nice and fun" I usually ask her this after he has been horrible to her or his parents.
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Mummy, Daddy, Sissy, Sassy Baby.

maz · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 5:50 pm Post subject:

take him to one side and beat the shit out of him

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

woof woof · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 5:52 pm Post subject:

Girls like bad boys.

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woof woof's defence lawyer claimed that "Booze played no part in his typo's."

Confucius says "all reckless speeding is caused by accidents."

Big TC · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 5:58 pm Post subject:

A dilemma I'm not looking forward to with my daughter, but I'm sure it'll crop up at some point.

Basically, you can't really get involved, can you, as you risk alienating your daughter. Just make her aware that you're there for her, should she need you to be.

Oh, maz's idea is not a bad one, either!
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It's a '57 Pontiac Star Chief, dontchaknow.

Boxer6 · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 6:17 pm Post subject:

Big TC · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 6:26 pm Post subject:

[quote="Boxer6"] %-age [quote]

tch tch tch - that's a yellow card offence, surely?
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It's a '57 Pontiac Star Chief, dontchaknow.

Boxer6 · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 9:38 pm Post subject:

[quote="Big TC"][quote="Boxer6"] %-age

Matt · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 9:40 pm Post subject:

Are young women under 25 much different? I don't seem to meet the right ones, although in the last year it's been whilst under the influence of messers Stella, Carling and Vodka...

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Small car, big heart.

Frank Bullitt · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 10:01 pm Post subject:

Perhaps it says something about her confidence if a prick makes her feel good - most girls I can remember that hung around with planks tended to have little confidence.

Just hope that college gives her some new horizons - its the same as relationships breaking up when one person goes to Uni; you're eyes are opened to new things.
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Shame your mind don't shine like your possessions

Humphrey The Pug · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 10:15 pm Post subject:

She has absolutely no problem with confidence and has boys always asking her out.

A problem she does have however, is her attraction to "needy" boys and her current boyfriend can be extremely needy, or boys with issues and he has plenty of those too.

When she was much younger even though she was part of the popular crowd she used to always stick up for the not so popular or look out for them, the same seems to happening to her choice of boyfriend.

We were hoping that college would be the death of them, initially it was looking that way, not so now.

It's true though how many lovely, attractive, intelligent, articulate girls/women go out with or marry complete neanderthals, I see it all the time at work and it was the same at school.
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Mummy, Daddy, Sissy, Sassy Baby.

BeN · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 7:39 am Post subject:

Big Blue · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 10:11 am Post subject:

Self esteem thing plus the 'excitement' of a waster that probably does dumb assed stuff that seems to be cool as a teen. Without wishing to upset there is also the probability that he's got a way with his cock and his tongue that no previous boy had and she's mistaking lust for love. stop any allowances you give her and tell her to get her boyfriend to pay. he'll leave her then.
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Call the fire brigade, call the firebrigade......

I said FireBRIGADE......

woof woof · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 10:15 am Post subject:

My niece was in a similar position but luckily after an exam in which she did very well and he did very badly she decided to concentrate on her studies and dumped the fool. I hope the same happens here.
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woof woof's defence lawyer claimed that "Booze played no part in his typo's."

Confucius says "all reckless speeding is caused by accidents."

DradusContact · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 11:02 am Post subject:

I used to work with a girl, really beautiful she was. Her boyfriend used to smash the house up in rages, there was on time i remember she came in crying, he had put her car window through in a rage. Another time he threw her car keys on the roof of the house.

The worst of all for me was he was doing coke after he had promised her he would stop, she took it off him and he wouldnt let her in the house till she gave it him back.

Theyre still together, so go figure.

Your girl sounds like a smart one though, and your not the same person you were at 18 once you reach 21, thats when you really turn into an adult.
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Roadsterstu · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 11:06 am Post subject:

Twelfth Monkey · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 11:29 am Post subject:

Echo the sentiment about being wary of interfering. I suspect there's a chance you'll put distance between you and your daughter.

I'm glad I have two sons!
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"Accident Blackspot"? These aren't accidents. They're throwing themselves into the road gladly. Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness.'

Big Blue · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 11:43 am Post subject:

Girls do seem to be an issue. W2.0 tells me tales of her behaviour when younger that make me wonder what the hell I live with

I think boys have more opportuntiy to be rebellious when younger (sport; fighting etc) and tend to move on from parents (emotionally, not financially) sooner whereas girls stay being "goody-two-shoes" for longer and then a volcano of misbehaviour pours forth in the teen years when suddenly parental protection looks like parental control. And (again, sorry) sex is an issue as boys can see their cock, touch it regularly from a young age (if only for the toilet) and tend to masturbate more often and sooner.

I remember hearing some woman talking about discovering masturbation as a late teen and suggesting she would have asked her mum to keep the food and drink coming whilst she stayed in bed all day playing with herself. By the time I was the age she was speaking of I'd probably wanked enough to fill a bath!

Having been quite blunt, the good thing about girls is that they nearly always come back round when they look back at what their parents did for them (obviously not the Fritzel kids, but even she was reportedly benevolent towards her dad) and unlike sons daughters look after elderly parents to a far higher degree.

In short, Alex, whatever pain she's piutting you through now get your own back in 4o-odd years time by shitting on her sofa and blaming it on old age.

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Call the fire brigade, call the firebrigade......

I said FireBRIGADE......

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 11:45 am Post subject:

Humphrey The Pug · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:28 pm Post subject:

They had an argument last night, loads of tears from her, what had happened I hear you ask?

He found a photo on Facebook of her with her arm around her friend Ed, she did tell him that she wasn't friends with him as boyfriend doesn't like him as Ed introduced her to a rather nice, slightly older professional skateboarder who pursued her for a while.

She actually said to Tina that she was fed up with him as he was no fun anymore and a miserable sod all of the time, hopefully it's the beginning of the end but then we have been there before.

By the way Jeff, thanks for the images, not!!

If I was a woman I'd probably play with myself all day too.
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Mummy, Daddy, Sissy, Sassy Baby.

DradusContact · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:30 pm Post subject:

Big Blue · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:33 pm Post subject:

Scouse · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:34 pm Post subject:

DradusContact · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:36 pm Post subject:

It must be the worst situation imagineable, once your teenage daughter starts going out, gets a bloke etc and does what you know they will.
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Big Blue · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:43 pm Post subject:

DradusContact · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:47 pm Post subject:

I shudder at the thought of raising kids in my neighbourhood. When i see the way the kids round here talk to the parents, and worst, the way they speak to them, i wouldnt want my kids interacting with them.

Keeping them locked away is not the answer though as you say. Id like to move before we have kids.
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Boxer6 · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:58 pm Post subject:

Big TC · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:59 pm Post subject:

I know that teenagers have a reputation for being sullen, unco-operative and downright rude to their parents when they're teenagers, but I can honestly say I have a great relationship with my two. We are really good friends - maybe its as a result of them living with their mother for most of the week, for the last 11 years....

My daughter and I have had one or two honest talks about relationships, feelings, sex and all sorts - stuff that she can not imagine talking to her mother about. I trust her judgement implicitly (and her mates refer to me as a 'ledge' - short for legend if you didn't know!) Her mother, on the other hand gives her no leeway whatsoever and has placed some irrational conestraints on her freedom. Imagine the difference in relationship she has with our daughter....

I know Diane circumvents these rules, as she tells me. Although I live 80 miles away from her, I thank her for letting me know where she'll be when her mother thinks she's somewhere else...

My son Pip, on the other hand, is allowed freedom to do what he likes, when he likes. Even then, I know he's got up to stuff that he daren't tell his mother.....
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It's a '57 Pontiac Star Chief, dontchaknow.

Humphrey The Pug · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:59 pm Post subject:

Big TC · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 1:01 pm Post subject:

TimR · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 1:02 pm Post subject:

I think I've got the perfect solution.

NO KIDS

Not only does it take away any concerns but it means you have lots of 'spare' cash to indulge in your other favourite pastimes such as cars.

When I bought the Alfa GT one of my mates asked me, seriously, if I'd won the lottery.
In the ensuing conversation it turned out that the annual cost of someone financing the Alfa would have paid maybe 5 or 6 months of the cost of everything to do with his daughter (and that's before he bought her a 3 yr old Clio for going to uni).

Chris M Wants a V-10 · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 10:55 pm Post subject:

SpecB · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 10:59 pm Post subject:

Mrs Skyhook · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 11:03 pm Post subject:

The thing about being a good parent is that you are supposed to end up making yourself redundant. And that is very hard to do, emotionally.

With that in mind, I would strongly suggest that you don't interfere, but make sure she can come to you (or her mum) with any moans or problems knowing that the answer won't always be 'dump the bastard'. In fact, don't provide the answer at all, help her find her answer. Let her talk, maybe ask her open-ended questions, things like 'how would you like it to be?' or 'what do you think it would have been like if he hadn't been there?' She's an intelligent girl, she'll work it out herself. But she is the one who has to work it out.

He does sound like a bit of a shit, but then a lot of lads that age are. If it helps at all, I went through more than my share of shitty boyfriends and here I am, married to the love of my life and happier than I ever thought possible. I remember my aunt once saying 'don't marry the first man you can live with, marry the man you can't live without'. I did that. I have no idea how shitty Mr S was at 17 or so, probably not at all knowing him now, but I do know that several chaps I thought were shitty way back when turned out decent in the end.

One thing to be very aware of is that some girls/women can't be without a bloke, however shitty he is. My sister was one such, despite having totally the same upbringing and values. Do you think your daughter needs someone to leave this chap for? Or do you think that, given enough rope, he'll hang himself and she'll leave him for herself? I hope it's the latter.

Wishing you lots of patience, and her a 'it doesn't have to be like this' relationship epiphany.
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Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis propinquus ades. Et braccae tuae aperiuntur.

Blarno · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 11:35 pm Post subject:

I wish I'd been more of a twat when I was younger, I'd have got laid left, right and centre....
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Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

gonnabuildabuggy · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:39 am Post subject:

SpecB · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:53 am Post subject:

When I was 18 I fell head over heels with a girl. Her mother tried to turn me against my own dad and nearly succeeded, using my dad's "inappropriate girlfriend" as ammunition.

Long storey short, I saw the error of my ways after a several months and went back to my dad. My dad told me it broke his heart to see me being manipulated in that way but he knew he couldn't do anything about it or it would push me further away.

Incidentally, that is the same mother of ex-girlfriend I wanted to avoid at all costs in DC's thread.

Evil cow she was. Told me my late mother would turn in her grave if she saw the way I had turned out (when I saw sense and dumped her baby girl).

She is one of two people who have been evil enough to use that and I steer well clear of both of them.

I appreciate your feelings Humphrey as I have been on your daughter's end of the scale so to speak but speaking from the above personal experience she will come back to you.
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Mark

woof woof · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 1:38 am Post subject:

Chris - "Many times I do wonder.... it hurts being "on my own" with no love in my life, I feel so empty yet maybe, just maybe, I am better off after all.

I still hope that one day I really will find my soulmate but it's looking less likely with each passing day"

You have similar thought to me Chris but maybe I'm a little less down about it.

Since my long term relationship ended I've had (quite) a few girlfriends but to be honest only one of them really meant anything to me and the rest were / are really just friends+. I would have loved to have married and had children but now I think I've begun to pull back when getting too close and I think I've now decided to be a bachelor boy. I now actually thank God that my long term relationship ended as her and her family would have driven me mad.
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woof woof's defence lawyer claimed that "Booze played no part in his typo's."

Confucius says "all reckless speeding is caused by accidents."

BeN · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 7:24 am Post subject:

Blarno · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 8:45 am Post subject:

I've made up for it now..
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Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

DradusContact · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 10:07 am Post subject:

Twelfth Monkey · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 11:33 am Post subject:

Were you on the giving or receiving end, DC?
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"Accident Blackspot"? These aren't accidents. They're throwing themselves into the road gladly. Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness.'

Blarno · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:13 pm Post subject:

I'm also slightly confused by DC's statement.

Blarno would like to clear up that he has not been involved in any illicit liaisons with other forum members, especially male ones.
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Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

Big TC · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:17 pm Post subject:

P'raps DC is suggesting that he has witnessed Blarno's twattishness.... not that I'm suggesting that Blarno's anything other than a Good Guy, you understand.
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It's a '57 Pontiac Star Chief, dontchaknow.

"him" · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:19 pm Post subject:

DradusContact · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:23 pm Post subject:

I was insinuating Blarno is indeed a twat. Was a joke of course!
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"him" · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:26 pm Post subject:

Blarno · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:31 pm Post subject:

Twattishness is in my blood, that's what comes with being the youngest of 4.
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Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

DradusContact · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:32 pm Post subject:

Grampa · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 5:50 pm Post subject:

Looking at the title of this thread:

"Daughters and their Boyfriend's" - was shuddering to think waht you were talking about - Boyfriend's car perhaps? or something else?

Anyway accepting the misplaced apostrophe, I'd say just hang on and bide your time - both of ours have had boyfriends we didn't care for - we said nothing at the time, and eventually the girls worked out what they were like themselves - one took over a year.
Making your feelings known only makes the boy more attractive, especially if he's seen as a 'project' she thinks she can turn around - she'll realise this won't happen quicker for herself than with your input - there are some things you can't teach teenagers that they just have to find out for themselves. I was around 25 before I realised my parents knew what they were talking about.

I'd say there's a high possibility of two outcomes: she meets someone she'll really fall for and realise what a tosser this guy was (which was what happened with ours), or he'll grow up and you'll be happy that she's happy.

Doesn't make the waiting any easier though.
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Andrew L