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Jokes - make me a sticky!
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Twelfth Monkey
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My Car: B7 RS4 Saloon, A3 Sportback 2.0T

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Location: The Fortress of Ultimate Darkness; that or the pub.

PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 10:15 am    Post subject:  Reply with quote

She reckoned that Blade Gunner might work better!
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Dr. Hfuhruhurr
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My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

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Location: Europa

PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 10:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What was that trashy Tarantino movie where the woman had her leg replaced by a machine gun?
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Big Blue
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My Car: Alpina B5 BiTurbo Touring Nr15 (The Gorilla); Yamaha R1 (the Black Whanger); The E46 323i With No Name

Joined: 01 Jan 2007
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Location: SW1. Back where I belong.

PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 11:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dr. Hfuhruhurr wrote:
What was that trashy Tarantino movie?


All of them?
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gooner
Twin-charged

My Car: Insignia low tax special and Fiat Panda Eleganza

Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 8923


Location: here, there and every bloody where!

PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2013 12:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There was an awkward moment today at the militant feminists annual picnic when they realised no one had made any sandwiches.
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BeN
The Motor, Singapore branch.

My Car: Toyota Prius
View My Motor: .

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 11309


Location: Singapore

PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 2:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Something we all love on a Friday: puns



I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst

That colonel survived attacks from mustard gas and pepper spray. He's now a seasoned veteran

John is addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I started reading this book about anti-gravity, and now I can't put it down.

I saw a theatre show about puns last week. It was a play on words.

The Energizer Bunny was arrested by the police and was charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
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Big Blue
Nuclear

My Car: Alpina B5 BiTurbo Touring Nr15 (The Gorilla); Yamaha R1 (the Black Whanger); The E46 323i With No Name

Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 10861


Location: SW1. Back where I belong.

PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Beckham gets into a cab. Cabie moves off, looking in the mirror at him constantly. After about 5 minutes he says to Beckham: "OK mate, give me a clue"

"I had a glittering career at Man Utd, played in America, over 100 England caps and married a spice girl."

"No you you twat: where are you going?"
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Big Blue
Nuclear

My Car: Alpina B5 BiTurbo Touring Nr15 (The Gorilla); Yamaha R1 (the Black Whanger); The E46 323i With No Name

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Location: SW1. Back where I belong.

PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 3:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man takes two tatty old stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. The presenter is excited by them.

"Oooh, I say. these are a grand pair; if you look here under the ball of this one's foot you can see the seal of the Boult Brothers, celebrated axidermists with regal clients during the 18th century. They specialised in the gundog breeds."

"Yeah, me dad found 'em behind a wall 'e knocked down when 'e was doing up an old rectory in Chalfont St Peter. Very posh.

"Have you any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"

"I dunno......Sticks?"
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Big Blue
Nuclear

My Car: Alpina B5 BiTurbo Touring Nr15 (The Gorilla); Yamaha R1 (the Black Whanger); The E46 323i With No Name

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 22, 2013 2:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How do we know that God is left handed?

Because at the right hand of God sits Jesus.... he has the TV remote in his left.
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Dr. Hfuhruhurr
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My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

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Location: Europa

PostPosted: Thu Aug 22, 2013 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"I'm in a same-sex marriage. The sex is always the same."

"I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

"I used to be in a band Prevention, we were much better than The Cure."

"I bought a CD by The Cure, but it turned out to be by Placebo."

"Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster."

"The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you get it back immediately"

"Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."

"I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

"You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

"I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

"Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting."
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Giant
Supercharged

My Car: It's an Astra. Zzz...

Joined: 28 Aug 2007
Posts: 5645



PostPosted: Thu Aug 22, 2013 6:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Been watching Tim Vine?
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Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Thu Aug 22, 2013 11:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Giant wrote:
Been watching Tim Vine?


Stu Francis, surely?
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For you to speak to me . . .
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Big Blue
Nuclear

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 29, 2013 2:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So Rolf Harris has been charged with creating indecent images?

I've been saying his drawings are bollocks for years.
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Dr. Hfuhruhurr
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My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 30, 2013 1:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Science jokes:

Why are Higgs bosons Catholic? Because you can't have Mass without them.

Two protons walk into a bar. One says "it's your round". "Are you sure?". "I'm positive".

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer", bartender says "for you, no charge"

Why can't you trust an atom? They make up everything.

I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company. It's still very small.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Hes 0K now.

I'd add a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon ...
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Big Blue
Nuclear

My Car: Alpina B5 BiTurbo Touring Nr15 (The Gorilla); Yamaha R1 (the Black Whanger); The E46 323i With No Name

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Location: SW1. Back where I belong.

PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2013 12:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Someone asked me what was brown and stiff last night. I stopped them there, saying the Mandela jokes had gone too far but it turns out he was talking about Tom Daley's cock.
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Nelson
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My Car: Ford Mondeo 2.0 TDCi Titanium X

Joined: 23 Dec 2006
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Location: Rugby

PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2013 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Big Blue wrote:
Someone asked me what was brown and stiff last night. I stopped them there, saying the Mandela jokes had gone too far but it turns out he was talking about Tom Daley's cock.


Hahahahahahahahahahahaha    
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DetmoldDick
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My Car: cooking on gas

Joined: 26 Dec 2006
Posts: 2578


Location: Detmold, Germany

PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2014 11:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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However loud it may be, in space, no one can hear your shirt.
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BeN
The Motor, Singapore branch.

My Car: Toyota Prius
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Joined: 22 Dec 2006
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Location: Singapore

PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 5:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

More punnery, spotted on Facebook:

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backwards poet, writes inverse.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

Local Area Network in Australia: LAN Down Under

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A man was hospitalised with 6 toy horses up his arse. The doctor described his condition as stable.

The thing about beards is that they kinda grow on you.
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DetmoldDick
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My Car: cooking on gas

Joined: 26 Dec 2006
Posts: 2578


Location: Detmold, Germany

PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 11:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First Dave, aged 22, accused me of suffering with OCD.
Then Bill, aged 41, agreed with him.
Now Pete, aged 36, is saying it as well.
Personally I reckon they're out of order
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However loud it may be, in space, no one can hear your shirt.
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DetmoldDick
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My Car: cooking on gas

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Location: Detmold, Germany

PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2014 7:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Petrol to get to Chinese takeaway 1.20
Chinese takeaway 15.50
Petrol to get home 1.20
Getting home and finding you forgot one of your food containers
...
Riceless.
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A thing of beauty is a joy forever; Keats.

However loud it may be, in space, no one can hear your shirt.
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Chris M Wanted a V-10
Supercharged

My Car: C-Max'D, CapturD and GOK the Wok

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
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Location: Captur'd by 1 5UMO near Camberley. Forum F1 champ 2011 and 2015

PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2014 6:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shamelessly pinched from elsewhere on t'internet:

The man who devised the anagram has died.
May he "erect a penis" (4,2,5)
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October 2012:
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simonp
Supercharged

My Car: is silver again

Joined: 14 Aug 2007
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Location: Wiltshire

PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2014 8:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I'm gonna start out as an RAF Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million quid, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while I'll be banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."


The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ..

And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin's hooker."
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DetmoldDick
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 5:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm going into my local McDonald's and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
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A thing of beauty is a joy forever; Keats.

However loud it may be, in space, no one can hear your shirt.
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gooner
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My Car: Insignia low tax special and Fiat Panda Eleganza

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Location: here, there and every bloody where!

PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2014 1:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off!
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BeN
The Motor, Singapore branch.

My Car: Toyota Prius
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Joined: 22 Dec 2006
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Location: Singapore

PostPosted: Tue Jan 06, 2015 7:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."
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Roadrunner
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My Car: Mercedes-Benz E320 cdi Sport Estate, MINI Cooper Clubman, 1932 Standard Big 9.

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Location: Somewhere near a herd of cows

PostPosted: Fri Jan 09, 2015 11:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This one is for Barks
A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck
wouldn't
eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills
grow
down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to
pick up
its food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the
lower
bill.

But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located
in the
upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of
water it'll drown."

The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs
into
his patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.

"He's dead," declared the heartbroken man.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far!

He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.

"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of
the
vice."
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Roadrunner
Turbocharged

My Car: Mercedes-Benz E320 cdi Sport Estate, MINI Cooper Clubman, 1932 Standard Big 9.

Joined: 28 Dec 2006
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Location: Somewhere near a herd of cows

PostPosted: Fri Jan 09, 2015 12:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have been scrolling through some of the back history on the VSCC Forum joke thread while the Benz is being treated to a new battery, discs and pads. This stood out:

WOMAN'S DIARY:
Sunday 12 March 2006:Saw him in the eveningand he was acting really strangely.I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somwhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somwhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed,and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just new something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed.I asked him again if anything was wrong but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes, I said I was going upstairs to bed.I put my arms around him and told him I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was suprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold,and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep.


MAN'S DIARY:
Sunday 12 March 2006.
England lost to France. Gutted. Got a shag though.
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Humphrey The Pug
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2016 5:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and well dressed mad on a bicycle?

Attire!
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Big Blue
Nuclear

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Posts: 10861


Location: SW1. Back where I belong.

PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 12:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So I have a colleague that sleeps on a pile of old magazines.


















He's got back issues.
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Humphrey The Pug
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My Car: Depends on what has the most fuel!

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 09, 2017 3:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The stunner next door just came round complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police.....

I nearly shit her pants!!
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Bob Sacamano
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My Car: BMW 320d M Sport Auto

Joined: 02 Jan 2007
Posts: 11884



PostPosted: Thu Mar 09, 2017 4:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to say that International Womens' Day yesterday showed just how far sexual equality has come in the UK and whichever bird created this day deserves a pat on the bottom.
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gooner
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Joined: 23 Dec 2006
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Location: here, there and every bloody where!

PostPosted: Thu Mar 09, 2017 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two parrots sat on a perch, one says to the other "do you smell fish?"
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gooner
Twin-charged

My Car: Insignia low tax special and Fiat Panda Eleganza

Joined: 23 Dec 2006
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Location: here, there and every bloody where!

PostPosted: Sat Mar 11, 2017 5:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Diarrhoea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.

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