The Motor Forum Forum Index The Motor Forum
"We are mature men in the highest cadres of our careers"
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   Join! (free) Join! (free)
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Jokes - make me a sticky!
Page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    The Motor Forum Forum Index -> The Lounge
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Please Register and Login to this forum to stop seeing this advertising.






Posted:     Post subject:

Back to top
Frank Bullitt
Nuclear

My Car: .
View My Motor: .

Joined: 29 Feb 2008
Posts: 12848



PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 10:58 pm    Post subject:  Reply with quote

Edited into one message

Last edited by Frank Bullitt on Wed Mar 14, 2012 11:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Frank Bullitt
Nuclear

My Car: .
View My Motor: .

Joined: 29 Feb 2008
Posts: 12848



PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I pulled a bird the other night and took her back to my house. As I laid back on the bed, she slowly unbuttoned my jeans and said, "Fancy a blow job?"I said, "Of course, but I must warn you, the last girl gagged on my cock.""Big is it?" She giggled. .... I said, "No, I never wash it.

My Mrs asked me how many women I had shagged?
I said. "its not healthy love, we all have a past".
However she insisted & I had to sit & count them in front of
her...........
"1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. YOU. 9. 10. 11...

3 parrots for sale, £100, £200 & £15. woman asks "why is that parrot so cheap" shopkeeper says "because it used to live in a brothel" the woman thinks its funny & buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says "feck me a new brothel" the woman laughs. Her 2 daughters come home & parrot says "feck me new prostitutes" the girls laugh. Husband comes home & the parrot says "feck me Keith, I havent seen u for weeks!"

Apologies for this one...

A bloke phones up his local council office and says I have just raped a fat ginger bird . The council woman says You should phone the police to confess. The man replies I don't want to confess, I want you to fix the fuckin lights in the park.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
simonp
Supercharged

My Car: is silver again

Joined: 14 Aug 2007
Posts: 7061


Location: Wiltshire

PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 1:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

In my house we are very honest with our children, so when my 8 year old daughter asked "Dad, how much does a prostitute charge to suck a willy?" I replied "About £40"

She then asked me "And how much is a packet of Haribo?" I said, "About £1" She said "Fuck me, Uncle Paul is ripping me right off!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Frank Bullitt
Nuclear

My Car: .
View My Motor: .

Joined: 29 Feb 2008
Posts: 12848



PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not a joke, but worth posting:

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Stuntman
Twin-charged

My Car: M3 Saloon, Cayman S and GT4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 8046


Location: Cheltenham

PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 9:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

^^^ Fantastic.  Every little helps!
I don't envy the Welsh lady ass fudge packers though...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
DetmoldDick
Turbocharged

My Car: cooking on gas

Joined: 26 Dec 2006
Posts: 2578


Location: Detmold, Germany

PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 11:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

               
_________________
A thing of beauty is a joy forever; Keats.

However loud it may be, in space, no one can hear your shirt.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dr. Hfuhruhurr
Propellorhead

My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 15518


Location: Europa

PostPosted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 10:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

And you get Clubcard points - what more could you ask for!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2012 8:30 pm    Post subject: Older lovin' Reply with quote

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
_________________
I'll wait up in the dark

For you to speak to me . . .
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
simonp
Supercharged

My Car: is silver again

Joined: 14 Aug 2007
Posts: 7061


Location: Wiltshire

PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2012 10:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Went in a pub the other night and there were these 2 fat birds at the bar chatting in a strange accent. I asked them "Excuse me, are you 2 ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you fucking idiot!" one spat back.

"I do apologise, are you 2 whales from Scotland?"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
simonp
Supercharged

My Car: is silver again

Joined: 14 Aug 2007
Posts: 7061


Location: Wiltshire

PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 9:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was watching an 18 film with my little boy earlier.

He asked me "Dad, I'm getting scared. Is that lady going to die?"

I said "Probably son, looking at the size of that horse's cock!"
_________________
Washed it!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chocy Rocky
Turbocharged

My Car: His and hers red VWs

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 3700


Location: Athens of the North

PostPosted: Thu May 17, 2012 1:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kenny Dalglish, the worst pool manager since Michael Barrymore.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chocy Rocky
Turbocharged

My Car: His and hers red VWs

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 3700


Location: Athens of the North

PostPosted: Thu May 17, 2012 2:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I made a romantic meal for Mrs CR and called out,  ''Honey, dinner's ready.''

I then heard the moaning of sexual pleasure as she replied   ''Mmm,just coming Baby.'' and she let out a giggle. So I walked into the lounge to find her lying naked on the Sofa, stroking her pussy. ''Why don't you make me come?'' she purred.

So I punched her in the face and screamed ''FUCKING DINNER....NOW!!''
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
gonnabuildabuggy
Nuclear

My Car: Sorted for E's

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 12069


Location: Somewhere, rounadabouts

PostPosted: Thu May 17, 2012 5:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A young man is walking down a stranded country lane when he realises he needs to go to the toilet. The only thing he can pee in is a empty can of lager, so he pees in there. Walking home with the can he gets spotted by the police.

"Excuse me Sir, are you drinking on the public streets?" The man calmly explains what it is. The police look at each other and arrest him for possession of cannapiss...
_________________
Summer's here and the time is right
For racing in the street.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
simonp
Supercharged

My Car: is silver again

Joined: 14 Aug 2007
Posts: 7061


Location: Wiltshire

PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 11:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How the name came about?


Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Frank Bullitt
Nuclear

My Car: .
View My Motor: .

Joined: 29 Feb 2008
Posts: 12848



PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2012 6:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I had an interview for a vacant job at MI6 today.
I reckon it's in the bag..

In my house we are very honest with our kids, so when my 12 year old daughter asked how much a prostitute charges to suck your willy, i replied "it's about £30."
She then asked how much a packet of Haribo cost. "Only about £1 darling," i replied.
She said, "Fuck me, uncle Peter is ripping me right off.

My girlfriend just said, "After an orgasm, I like to kiss & cuddle then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"
I said, " Usually I delete my browsing history & throw the tissues away."

What's the difference between a lesbian in a porn film and a real life one?
About 12 stone.

I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son. Her boy kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me.
After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics, so I said, "When I was a young lad, my mother told me that if I made a ugly face and the wind changed, I'd stay that way."
The little cunt replied,
"Well, you can't say you weren't fucking warned."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chocy Rocky
Turbocharged

My Car: His and hers red VWs

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 3700


Location: Athens of the North

PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 1:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My wife's just back from the Doctor's and it's not good news....she hasn't got Tourettes but I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Bob Sacamano
Nuclear

My Car: BMW 320d M Sport Auto

Joined: 02 Jan 2007
Posts: 11884



PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 1:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's my scouse stepson's birthday tomorrow, as a surprise I've left a tenner in my coat pocket.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Blarno
Cheapskate Know-it-all

My Car: The Flying Glacier Mint

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 17038


Location: The Shores of Hell

PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 3:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks:
"Why the long face?"
The horse doesn't respond, because it's a horse and thus lacks the cognitive capacity to speak and understand English. It is confused by its surroundings and promptly shits on the floor, before galloping out of the bar, knocking a few tables over on its way.
_________________
Sphincteral Twitch: Debut EP "Disastrous Rectal Misfortune" work in progress.

Morbid Obesity: Debut album "Shallow Gravy" due...work in progress.

Spiderpuncher - A seedy trip into electro industrial madness.

Pathway - Punk. Loud. Probably crap.

Giant wrote:
Blarno is right
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Humphrey The Pug
Nuclear

My Car: Depends on what has the most fuel!

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 14646


Location: Here

PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 4:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

^^^^^That is so bad that it is hilarious!!
_________________
Mummy, Daddy, Sissy, Sassy Baby.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
PhilD
Nuclear

My Car: Fiat Grande Punto Sporting

Joined: 10 Jan 2007
Posts: 15807



PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 11:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blarno wrote:
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks:
"Why the long face?"
The horse doesn't respond, because it's a horse and thus lacks the cognitive capacity to speak and understand English. It is confused by its surroundings and promptly shits on the floor, before galloping out of the bar, knocking a few tables over on its way.


   
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Stuntman
Twin-charged

My Car: M3 Saloon, Cayman S and GT4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 8046


Location: Cheltenham

PostPosted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 3:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

On the subject of horse jokes...

A man is in the bar with his horse (this horse does have cognitive capacity).  A second man goes up to the first man, and says "I bet you £100 that I can make your horse laugh, and then I can make him cry".

The first man accepts the bet.  

The second man then proceeds to make the horse laugh, and then cry.

Astonished, the first man asks the second man how on earth he did that.

The first man says "I told the horse that I had a bigger penis than he did"

"Very good" says the first man.  "How did you make him cry?"

"I showed him my penis" says the second man.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chocy Rocky
Turbocharged

My Car: His and hers red VWs

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 3700


Location: Athens of the North

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 10:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My Taxi driver friend is really pissed off.

People keep on talking behind his back.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
gooner
Twin-charged

My Car: Insignia low tax special and Fiat Panda Eleganza

Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 8923


Location: here, there and every bloody where!

PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 9:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his bum
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."
_________________
I'll wait up in the dark

For you to speak to me . . .
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
gooner
Twin-charged

My Car: Insignia low tax special and Fiat Panda Eleganza

Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 8923


Location: here, there and every bloody where!

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 10:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I drove through the country earlier and passed a field where I spotted a scarecrow desperately trying to have a wank. I thought to myself "he's clutching at straws there".
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
PhilD
Nuclear

My Car: Fiat Grande Punto Sporting

Joined: 10 Jan 2007
Posts: 15807



PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2012 10:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How many SEO experts does it take to change a light bulb lightbulbs LED  garden lighting lights cheap lightbulbs free hardcore porn facial.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
PhilD
Nuclear

My Car: Fiat Grande Punto Sporting

Joined: 10 Jan 2007
Posts: 15807



PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2012 4:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man walks into a bookshop and says "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Blarno
Cheapskate Know-it-all

My Car: The Flying Glacier Mint

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 17038


Location: The Shores of Hell

PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 10:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two interesting facts about me:

1: My knob is as long as 2 Argos pens.

2: I'm banned from Argos.
_________________
Sphincteral Twitch: Debut EP "Disastrous Rectal Misfortune" work in progress.

Morbid Obesity: Debut album "Shallow Gravy" due...work in progress.

Spiderpuncher - A seedy trip into electro industrial madness.

Pathway - Punk. Loud. Probably crap.

Giant wrote:
Blarno is right
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
gooner
Twin-charged

My Car: Insignia low tax special and Fiat Panda Eleganza

Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 8923


Location: here, there and every bloody where!

PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2012 10:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Frisbie should be made an Olympic sport.

Discuss...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Blarno
Cheapskate Know-it-all

My Car: The Flying Glacier Mint

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 17038


Location: The Shores of Hell

PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2012 8:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kate Middleton is only pregnant because she doesn't have tits worth finishing off on...
_________________
Sphincteral Twitch: Debut EP "Disastrous Rectal Misfortune" work in progress.

Morbid Obesity: Debut album "Shallow Gravy" due...work in progress.

Spiderpuncher - A seedy trip into electro industrial madness.

Pathway - Punk. Loud. Probably crap.

Giant wrote:
Blarno is right
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
TreVoR
Nuclear

My Car: Probably Broken

Joined: 19 Feb 2008
Posts: 12589



PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2012 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blarno wrote:
Kate Middleton is only pregnant because she doesn't have tits worth finishing off on...


ROFL!  
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 9:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mental Health watchdogs have found that up to 25% of women take some form of medication for one or more Mental Health problem.
25% - Christallmitey. That means 75% of them are running about untreated !
_________________
I'll wait up in the dark

For you to speak to me . . .
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My mum is complaining of the cold and I have bought her a woollen scarf.

Question: do I wait until Christmas to give it to her, or just put her in a home?
_________________
I'll wait up in the dark

For you to speak to me . . .
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Frank Bullitt
Nuclear

My Car: .
View My Motor: .

Joined: 29 Feb 2008
Posts: 12848



PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 5:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woman goes into a record shop and says 'Do you have Jingle Bells on 7 inch?'
Young lad says, 'No but I've got Dangly balls on a 9 inch!'?
Woman says, ' That's not a record is it?'
Lad says, 'its not fuckin bad for a 16 yr old!'
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Stuntman
Twin-charged

My Car: M3 Saloon, Cayman S and GT4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 8046


Location: Cheltenham

PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 7:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just as well she didn't want the 12 inch picture dick...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Frank Bullitt
Nuclear

My Car: .
View My Motor: .

Joined: 29 Feb 2008
Posts: 12848



PostPosted: Tue Dec 25, 2012 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A bloke walks into Superdrug and approaches the man at the counter

'Excuse me, do you have any KY jelly'

'Sorry sir, we've ran out, have you tried Boots'

'Jesus, mate, I'm trying to ease it in, not march it in'...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 9:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are no whit they used tae be.'
_________________
I'll wait up in the dark

For you to speak to me . . .
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 8:02 pm    Post subject: Probably NOT PC Reply with quote

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.


Lets have a look at the evidence:
No Christmas
No television
No nude women
No football
No pork chops
No hot dogs
No burgers
No beer
No bacon
Rags for clothes
Towels for hats
Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower


More than one wife
More than one mother in law
You can't shave
Your wife can't shave
You can't wash off the smell of donkey
You cook over burning camel shit


Your wife is picked by someone else for you
and your wife smells worse than your donkey


Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"!!
Well no shit Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse



***********************************************************************************


THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!

They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ...
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in Canada .
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland .
They're happy in Denmark .

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim
and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEN; They want to change those countries to be like....
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How damn dumb can you get?
_________________
I'll wait up in the dark

For you to speak to me . . .
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 12:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up bowls.
So he puts his name down at the local club.
After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down.
So he goes down to the club to inquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish bowls club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ye man. I know that ye have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.

And I know that ye have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.But this is the first time I heard that  ye have to be a complete prick to join a bowls club.
_________________
I'll wait up in the dark

For you to speak to me . . .
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chris M Wanted a V-10
Supercharged

My Car: C-Max'D, CapturD and GOK the Wok

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 7160


Location: Captur'd by 1 5UMO near Camberley. Forum F1 champ 2011 and 2015

PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2013 8:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pinched from a photography forum joke thread:

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant,

"If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did".
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her explain that to you."
_________________
Wanted a V-10 ; settled for half a V-6
October 2012:
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Frank Bullitt
Nuclear

My Car: .
View My Motor: .

Joined: 29 Feb 2008
Posts: 12848



PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2013 2:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!  Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chris M Wanted a V-10
Supercharged

My Car: C-Max'D, CapturD and GOK the Wok

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 7160


Location: Captur'd by 1 5UMO near Camberley. Forum F1 champ 2011 and 2015

PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2013 8:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

We've had a few inches of snow in England.
A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads.

So I took all the above with me.....
I looked a right prat on the bus this morning.
_________________
Wanted a V-10 ; settled for half a V-6
October 2012:
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
PhilD
Nuclear

My Car: Fiat Grande Punto Sporting

Joined: 10 Jan 2007
Posts: 15807



PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 2:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Police are looking for a northern Transvestite, sources say he had a Wigan address.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Stuntman
Twin-charged

My Car: M3 Saloon, Cayman S and GT4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 8046


Location: Cheltenham

PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 10:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A couple from Milton Jones' current show:

The Nazis had a plan to invade the islands of Great Britain.  
It was called Operation Barry White S(c)illy Man...

I saw a sheep pole-dancing last night.
I was in a kebab shop at the time...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A nun is hitchhiking and gets picked up by a truck driver. After ten minutes of silence, the nun decides to ask his name.

"My name?" says the truck driver, whose name is Cross, Richard Cross. "It's exactly the same as what you like having between your holy breasts."

The nun is a little embarrassed and says nothing for the rest of the journey, but as she is getting out, she says,

"Well, thank you very much, Mr. Penis."
_________________
I'll wait up in the dark

For you to speak to me . . .
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Twelfth Monkey
Nuclear

My Car: B7 RS4 Saloon, A3 Sportback 2.0T

Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 14462


Location: The Fortress of Ultimate Darkness; that or the pub.

PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 3:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I bought tickets for the Grand National.
_________________
"Accident Blackspot"? These aren't accidents. They're throwing themselves into the road gladly. Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness.'

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Dr. Hfuhruhurr
Propellorhead

My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 15518


Location: Europa

PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2013 12:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The end of the world has been postponed because the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse can't find anything to ride now we've eaten all the horses
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
PhilD
Nuclear

My Car: Fiat Grande Punto Sporting

Joined: 10 Jan 2007
Posts: 15807



PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2013 9:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

http://daveschneider.co.uk/2013/02/the-3-05-horsemeat-race-from-ascot/
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dr. Hfuhruhurr
Propellorhead

My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 15518


Location: Europa

PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 1:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Too soon?

Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend didn't hear him sneaking up behind her. It was the Silence Of The Limbs.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson

I can see what Oscar Pistorius is doing - he goes to jail for 30 years, then becomes President of South Africa
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Twelfth Monkey
Nuclear

My Car: B7 RS4 Saloon, A3 Sportback 2.0T

Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 14462


Location: The Fortress of Ultimate Darkness; that or the pub.

PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 9:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dr. Hfuhruhurr wrote:
Too soon?

Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend didn't hear him sneaking up behind her. It was the Silence Of The Limbs.


Too soon?  Based upon the notion that the arrival of the joke signals the death of the feeling, not at all.  I shall go downstairs and tell Mrs 12th this one!


_________________
"Accident Blackspot"? These aren't accidents. They're throwing themselves into the road gladly. Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness.'

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    The Motor Forum Forum Index -> The Lounge All times are GMT + 1 Hour
Page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next
Page 9 of 10

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

Card File  Gallery  Forum Archive
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group
Create your own free forum | Buy a domain to use with your forum