The Motor Forum

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 2:22 pm Post subject:

No thanks, already got coat and hat!

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 6:48 pm Post subject:

Two antennas fell in love and got married - the ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

A man dreamt one night that he had written Lord of the Rings. When he woke up the next morning he realised that he'd just been Tolkien in his sleep.

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can
you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't
get much done."

Matt · Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 11:57 pm Post subject:

The young lad who became a Dad at 13 recently has decided to join Fathers for Justice.

He doesn't understand the politics of it, but he likes the idea of wearing a Spiderman outfit.
_________________

Small car, big heart.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 9:40 am Post subject:

A gay man walks into a rough bar in Liverpool. Sees a huge musclebound Scouser by the bar. Has several drinks to build up his courage, then goes up to the huge Scouser and asks him if he wants a bl*w job. The Scouser picks the man up, carries him outside and gives him a serious kicking. The barman asks "what was that about?". The Scouser replies, "he asked me if I wanted a job" ...

BeN · Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2009 11:14 am Post subject:

Japanese banks have been hit hard by the global downturn.

The Origami Bank has folded.

The Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank has plans to cut some of it's branches.

And staff at the Karate Bank are set for the chop.
_________________
On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

Rodge · Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2009 1:51 pm Post subject:

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of S.H.I.T. it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.I.T. please bring it to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management
_________________

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm...ds.individual&VideoID=2869045

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Mon Mar 02, 2009 5:40 pm Post subject:

Q. What's large and grey and sings the blues?
A. Elephants Gerald.

Q. What did the French pirate say when he lost his stamps?
A. Shiver me timbres.

Blarno · Posted: Mon Mar 02, 2009 7:28 pm Post subject:

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it's bill withers....
_________________
Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2009 10:34 am Post subject:

A Yorkshireman goes to the vet
"I'd like my cat neutered"
"Is it a tom?"
"No, I brought it with me"

Q. Why did the archaeologist kill himself?
A. Because his life was in ruins

Rodge · Posted: Fri Mar 06, 2009 11:35 am Post subject:

One day, Gorgon Brown is being driven through the badlands of Yorkshire,
when the driver swerves to avoid a pot hole and hits a pig on the side of the road, killing it.

Gordon suggests to the driver that he should go up to the farm house and
apologise for the accident and offer to pay for the damages. An hour
later, the driver returns, with all his clothes torn, holding a bottle of
wine in one hand, a Cuban cigar in the other, and swaying left to right as he walked.

Gordon asks the driver what happened.
"Well, the farmer gave me this bottle, his wife gave me this cigar, and
his beautiful 19 year old daughter made passionate love to me!"

"Bloody hell - what did you tell them?"

"I just said 'Hi, I'm Gordon Brown's driver and I just killed the pig!'"
_________________

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm...ds.individual&VideoID=2869045

Blarno · Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 2:12 pm Post subject:

Who'd have thought that with Tim Brooke Taylor aged 70, Bill Oddie aged 73 and Graham Garden aged 72 that Jade would be the first Goody to go?

It doesn't take long, does it?
_________________
Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

Boxer6 · Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 10:41 am Post subject: Drinking with Jesus!!

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him,
smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'
Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Glaswegian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what pal?'
Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am
Jesus.'

The Glaswegian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pint of Buckfast for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis
I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is
completely gone. It's a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Glaswegian whispers.'Piss off pal, I'm on Disability
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Jasper · Posted: Fri Apr 10, 2009 12:31 pm Post subject:

A geordie lass goes to the Doctors.

'Docta, me fanny keeps on talking!'

The Doctor leans down and sure enough, the fanny says

'Shearer will save United from relegation.'

'It's a common complaint,' says the Doctor 'lots of stupid cunts are saying that at the moment.'
_________________

Blarno · Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 11:19 am Post subject:

What have Ricky Hatton and Gary Glitter got in common?

Both went down trying to do a little Fillipino in the ring!!

_________________
Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 11:24 am Post subject:

You owe me a keyboard, mofo!

DarthBalls · Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 12:31 pm Post subject:

DarthBalls · Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 12:42 pm Post subject:

I bought a Ricky Hatton toaster.....................took it back though, it wouldn't do 2 rounds...
_________________
It's so cold right now that I'm thinking of catching gonorrhoea just for the burning sensation.

Gurney · Posted: Thu May 14, 2009 8:08 am Post subject:

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna
were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into
the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's
heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you
were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act
displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?'
_________________
A Gentleman: Def: A male of the species who can play the Trombone.

But refrains from doing so.

Blarno · Posted: Thu May 14, 2009 10:25 pm Post subject:

What's 9 inches long and dangles in front of a cunt?

Alex Ferguson's tie.
_________________
Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

Blarno · Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 9:22 pm Post subject:

During seperate interviews following the demise of their marriage, Jordan and Peter Andre told reporters what they both would miss the most.

Jordan remarked that she'd miss the media attention and the numerous holidays.

Peter Andre said he'd miss the tit-wanks and watching the fat blind kid walk into walls.....
_________________
Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

Boxer6 · Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 11:00 pm Post subject: Air NZ

A mother had 3 virgin daughters.. (that's a lie for a start! )

They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
And the card read: 'Rothmans'

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes,
And she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand .
Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing...
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said:
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted!

_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

simonp · Posted: Tue May 26, 2009 6:22 pm Post subject:

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back & tell about afterlife.

Husband died first & made contact "gladys"

"is that you Fred?"

"yes, I've come back to tell you what it's like. I have sex then breakfast, then off to golf course, then more sex. I sunbathe, then have sex again. Lunch, romp round golf course, then sex all afternoon. Then supper, & more sex"

"Oh Fred, you must be in heaven"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk"

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 4:02 pm Post subject:

You'll never guess who I bumped into in SpecSavers.

Everyone ...

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 4:23 pm Post subject:

Mugger to Old Woman - "Give me your purse or you're Geography!!!"
Old woman - "Don't you mean History"
Mugger - "Don't change the subject..."

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 4:51 pm Post subject:

ONE-LINERS:

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

"How can you waste beer like that!?! Don't you realize there are sober children in Africa!?!"

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw parties.

One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.

Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.

Gather round like cattle and ye shall be herd.

When it's you against the world, bet on the world.

Any student who changes the course of history is probably writing an exam.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.

Love thy neighbor: Tune thy piano.

All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.

A self-adressed envelope would be addressed "Envelope".

Money can't buy happiness, but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

Frog Parking. All others will be toad.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

Love means nothing to a tennis player.

Red meat is bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is even worse.

...then there was the overweight ballerina who had to wear a three-three...

Are dog biscuits made with collie flour?

It's not the minutes spent at the table that makes one fat... it's the seconds.

If you're one in a million, there are more than 6,000 of you.

Today's greatest labour-saving device is... tomorrow!

Don't anthropomorphize computers. They don't like it.

As the great Jedi English teacher was quoted in saying, "metaphors be with you."

Today is the last day of your life so far.

"One day the Alaskans got so tired of hearing Texas brag about how big Texas is that they threatened to split Alaska in half and make Texas the third largest state."

Vampire Secretaries make type-O's.

Show me where Stalin's buried, and I'll show you a communist plot.

Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

To attract a vegetarian, make a noise like a wounded vegetable.

He who dies with the most toys, is nonetheless dead.

"The Detroit Quartet played Brahms last night. Brahms lost." -- Unnamed critic

... and then there was the opera singer impersonator who billed himself as Placebo Domingo.

97.3% of all statistics are made up.

Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.

"The price of nearly everything goes continually up and down, but letter-paper remains stationery."

"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky... but there wasn't any gum under any of them."

...And you know you've really overdosed on the World Wide Web when you read a magazine and you have this irresistible urge to click on all the underlined passages.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Don't hate yourself in the morning. Sleep 'till noon.

The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest.

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

On average, people are mean.

:Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain. 300 DPI?"

"Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all."

Black holes really suck.

......NEWSFLASH: Police car just crashed into a tree in Northern Ireland. The IRA said they planted it.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

"Husbands choosing colors must have note from wives." -- Sign in wallpaper and paint store:

"Eighth Floor Button Out of Order. Please Push Three and Five Instead." -- Sign in an elevator

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished.

Klein bottle for rent- inquire within.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

"If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable."

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science ... fiction

Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances.

Support mental health, or I'll kill you!

Save an alligator; shoot a preppi

Archaeologists will date any old thing.

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast.

Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds...

Nice computers don't go down.

Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.

Buy one, get one free...does it have to be in that order?

Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.

Can you think of another word for "synonym"?

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

Dear Santa, how much is it for the list of naughty girls?

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.

Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.

How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

I locked my coathanger in the car. Good thing I had a key.

I wired my dryer backwards. Now it spits out extra socks.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?

If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.

If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?

If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

If you get married in TN and divorced in AL, is she still your sister?

Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.

Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Save the Rainforest! Eat a vegetarian!

Save the whales! Collect the whole set!

Someday you will look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

Nudist Camp sign: "Sorry, Clothed for Winter"

The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.

Headline: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Seminar on Time Travel to be held two weeks ago.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

BeN · Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 3:51 pm Post subject:

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anybody can roast beef, but nobody can pea (pee) soup.

Ta-dum pish.

_________________
On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Jun 10, 2009 10:49 am Post subject:

Q. What's pink and hard?
A. The Financial Times crossword.

Q. What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?
A. Telling your parents that you're gay

simonp · Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 11:18 pm Post subject:

Laura+Bob decide 2 try a 69er.Bob didnt know what it was,so Laura decided 2 show him.She tells Bob 2 lie on the floor+she sits on top.Shes about 2 start when she farts."Oops sorry"she says+tries again.When she farts again,Bob suddenly jumps up+storms out.Laura yells "Where r u goin"? Bob replies,"Ill b fucked if Im hanging around for another 67 of those'

Apologies for the formatting, tis copy and pasted from a text message.

Boxer6 · Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 11:40 am Post subject:

GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one
of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a
fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills
him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '

'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children
drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon - 'that's what we would call a
'great loss'' .

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched
the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said:
'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly
fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?'

'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it
certainly widnae be a great loss.....
and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident either!
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Boxer6 · Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 11:54 am Post subject: A wee Scottish Tale

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts,

'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'

The man replies,

'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me.'

The keeper replies,

'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Boxer6 · Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 5:40 pm Post subject: Thomas Cook............

....... and ABTA holiday survey (This is real btw - my niece works for a travel company!)

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday w as ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Blarno · Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 6:37 pm Post subject:

A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and they hit it off immediately. After a fair while, he realises he hasn't asked her name:

"I'm Carmen Diamond. I'm named after my Mother's three favourite things: Cars, men and diamonds. What is your name?"

"Charlie Beercunt....."
_________________
Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

Blarno · Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 9:30 am Post subject:

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women
to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases,
the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as
'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
_________________
Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

Boxer6 · Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 2:11 pm Post subject: What a come-back!

(For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!')

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.
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Just keepin' on keeping on.

Gurney · Posted: Fri Jul 17, 2009 8:27 am Post subject:

This biker guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if
> he had a pet. So he rode to the pet store and told the owner that he
> wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought
> a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use
> for his house.
>
> He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided
> he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So
> he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go for a ride to
> Frank's place with me and have a beer?' But there was no answer from
> his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and
> then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink
> with me?' But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
> So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He
> decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up
> against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you
> like to go for a ride to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
> A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm
> putting my fu**ing shoes on!
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A Gentleman: Def: A male of the species who can play the Trombone.

But refrains from doing so.

Scouse · Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 10:05 pm Post subject:

Girls Aloud have announced soem more UK tour dates. They play Newcastle in August.

Bookies have Girls Aloud favourites to win 3-1
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Scouse

BeN · Posted: Wed Jul 29, 2009 12:11 pm Post subject:

Some people said that when a black man becomes American President, pigs will fly.

Sure enough, 100 days later, swine flu.
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On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

Boxer6

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks - Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Marijuana".

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing along at the opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

14. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

15. PICK UP A BOX OF CON DOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS..

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called... THERAPY

(... might get you a bit of time all alone, too ...)
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Just keepin' on keeping on.

simonp · Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 9:40 pm Post subject:

A Polish woman stows away on a ship, hoping to make a new life in America. After 3 weeks she is discovered and brought before the Captain.

What are you doing aboard my ship without a ticket?" he enquires.

She replies "One of your sailors helped me sneak on board and I am to make a new life in America. He brings me 3 meals a day and in return I let him fuck me every night"

The Captain says "Oh he's fucking you alright. This is the Isle Of Wight ferry!"

Boxer6 · Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 9:43 pm Post subject: Broke Back Deer Camp

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No-one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player: a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."
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Just keepin' on keeping on.

Boxer6 · Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 9:49 pm Post subject: Dead Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Well........Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

(Hey..... I don't make them up.

I just forward them!!!)
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Just keepin' on keeping on.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

Boxer6 · Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 9:47 pm Post subject: Whales and BJ's...........

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, 'Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.' They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, 'Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.' At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. 'Look', she said, 'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'
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Just keepin' on keeping on.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 11:50 am Post subject:

These were voted the 10 best jokes from the Edinburgh Festival:

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'.

I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong.

I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West.

I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.

Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough.

To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!

A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble.

I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't.

I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them.

Boxer6 · Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 1:30 pm Post subject:

Seamus' accident!

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groan ing. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*ck would you say?'
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Just keepin' on keeping on.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 1:59 pm Post subject:

Reminds me of the one about the two guys in the Outback. One gets bitten by a snake, so the other calls the Flying Doctor and says his friend is dead. The Flying Doctor says "calm down, let's just make sure he's really dead". A shot is heard, then the guy comes back to the radio. "OK, he's definitely dead."

"him" · Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2009 2:55 pm Post subject:

Baptising an Irishman

A Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
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Remember - A gym without chalk is a heath spa...

Gooner · Posted: Sun Sep 20, 2009 12:25 am Post subject:

There was a farmer round our way that was recently sold a load of fake sheep. He was fleeced.
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- Insert clever and/or amusing quote here -