The Motor Forum

Boxer6 · Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 5:57 pm Post subject:

Australian vs. Aboriginal Poetry Competition

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu".

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

"Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu".

The aboriginal won!!!
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

BeN · Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 5:59 pm Post subject:

That is brilliant!

_________________
On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

Blarno · Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 11:34 pm Post subject:

There's been a big bust up in a biscuit tin:

A Bandit called Rocky who was Crackers hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband, kidnapped a Trophy and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. The police say Rocky was last seen After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland Hob-Nobbing a Ginger Nut. Unfortunately, they haven't got a crumb of evidence......
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Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

DarthBalls · Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:56 pm Post subject:

2 goldfish in a tank

one says to the other

'do you know how to drive this thing?'
_________________
It's so cold right now that I'm thinking of catching gonorrhoea just for the burning sensation.

Boxer6 · Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 10:27 am Post subject: Gaunyersel son

A Sunday school teacher was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday
school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to
Heaven

She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now she was starting to smile.

'Well then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the
children and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again they all answered 'No!'

She was just bursting with pride for them.

Well she continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?

A six year-old Glasgow boy shouted out, 'YUV GOTTAE BE FUCKN' DEAD YA
MUPPET.'
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Big TC · Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 3:31 pm Post subject:

Jock walks into Griegs the Bakers in Glasgow, and points to something in the pastries cabinet.

"Is that a doughnut, or a merangue," he asks

"Yer right, it's a doughnut," answers wee Senga, the assistant.

(Imagine it in a Glaswegian accent!)
-------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Jamie Oliver, and a cross-country run?

One's a pant in the country, the other's a .........
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It's a '57 Pontiac Star Chief, dontchaknow.

DetmoldDick · Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:43 pm Post subject:

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love-making he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of hot coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'.

'I asked him what to give you'. He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'
_________________
A thing of beauty is a joy forever; Keats.

BeN · Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:29 pm Post subject:

_________________
On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

Gurney · Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 8:16 am Post subject:

A man from Liverpool walks into the local Job Centre, marches straight up to the counter and says, 'Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, says, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The Social Worker says, 'Yeah, well... You started it!'
_________________
A Gentleman: Def: A male of the species who can play the Trombone.

But refrains from doing so.

simonp · Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 5:52 pm Post subject:

At the Inverness job centre a fella sees a vacancy for a gynaecologists assistant. He asks for more details and is delighted to discover that his duties would be removing the ladies underwear, washing and shaving them and rubbing a lotion into the shaved area. The salary is £80K pa. He's then told that he must go to Plymouth.

"Is that where the job is?" he asks. "No, that's where the end of the queue is!" comes the reply.

2 newlyweds turn up at a hotel reception and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?" and the bride replies "I'm not sure about taking it up the arse".

BeN · Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 2:05 pm Post subject:

If restaurants functioned like Microsoft....

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems
to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a
fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl
are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how
was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the
fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late
now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day ................................... $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .................. $2.50
Access to support ................................. $1.00
_________________
On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

Gurney · Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:43 am Post subject:

A kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a dog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular eveing, The sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance...

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... Put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, Ever protective of the sheep, groweled fiercely until the man took his arm from Around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued enjoying the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck .

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the man had ever seen! She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening.. red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the kiwi started to get "those Feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and,realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
_________________
A Gentleman: Def: A male of the species who can play the Trombone.

But refrains from doing so.

Boxer6 · Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 10:37 am Post subject: GLESGA VASECTOMY

After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Britney Larsson O'Neill), a Glesga couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a firework banger available from most east end corner shops all year round, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Glesga Ned said to the doctor,
'Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1' '2''3' '4' '5' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works in Govan, Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank, Parkhead, Caldercruix, Shettleston, Paisley, and Old Kilpatrick.
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Pip II · Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 8:59 pm Post subject:

Q: A man runs over his wife, who's fault is it?

A: The man's, he shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen!
_________________

Humphrey The Pug · Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 10:52 pm Post subject:

Pip II · Posted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 9:58 pm Post subject:

I've got loads of those:

Q : Why can't women ski?
A : There's no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen

Q : What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A : Nothin, you already done told her twice!

Q : Why do woman have small feet?
A : So they can stand closer to the sink
_________________

Boxer6 · Posted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:19 pm Post subject:

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She
hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Boxer6 · Posted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 5:46 pm Post subject: edukayshun tuday

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O
and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

DarthBalls · Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 10:00 am Post subject:

A old woman is lying in her death bed with her husband beside her.

'I don't think I've got long now dear' she says.

'Is there anything you would like me to do for you?' he asks.

She replies, 'well, in the 50 years we've been married you've never given me oral pleasure, so that's what I'd like'.

'I'm sorry, I'd no idea', he says before disappearing below the sheets, lifting up her nightie and getting stuck in.

About a minute of so later the old woman starts making very load moaning sounds and her breathing becomes very noisy and laboured. Her husband pops his head up and to see if she is OK but she just calls out 'don't stop now, this is amazing!'.

A minute or so later, she has an earthshattering orgasm, and even more amazingly she sits up, feeling better than she has in years.

'That was amazing darling' she says to her husband 'I think you've cured me, I feel so much better, you've saved my life'.

At this her husband looks really sad and bursts into floods of tears.

'Why are you so sad, why are you crying, I thought you'd be happy to have saved my life' she asks.

He sobs, 'maybe I could have saved Mother too....'
_________________
It's so cold right now that I'm thinking of catching gonorrhoea just for the burning sensation.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 10:19 am Post subject:

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr-Gurrr-King'

DarthBalls · Posted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 10:57 am Post subject:

What's Snoop Dogg's favourite weather?

Drizzle!
_________________
It's so cold right now that I'm thinking of catching gonorrhoea just for the burning sensation.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 11:01 am Post subject:

He'll be happy today, then

BeN · Posted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 1:40 pm Post subject:

I just drank a whole pint of blue food colouring. Do you think I'll dye?
_________________
On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

simonp · Posted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 10:38 pm Post subject:

Some from my phone:

Due to the credit crunch I'm now having to shop in cheaper food stores. Have you tried the Korean meatballs from Aldi? I'm telling you, they're the dog's bollox!

A vicar books into a hotel and says to the receptionist "I do hope the porn channel in my room is disabled, young lady". She replies "No, it's just regular porn, you sicko!"

A family is driving along the road behind an Ann Summers lorry. All of a sudden a big dildo falls off the back and hits their windscreen. Quick as a flash the mother says "My, that was a big insect wasn't it children?" to which little Jonny replies "I'm surprised it could fly with a cock that size".

There's nothing worse than when you look down after sex and see that used condom hanging off your limp dick. Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started!

Boxer6 · Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 4:09 pm Post subject: "Audi" joke!!

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is
bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and
it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....

four-sprung Duck technique
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

BeN · Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 4:50 pm Post subject:

_________________
On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 4:54 pm Post subject: Re: "Audi" joke!!

BeN · Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 5:09 pm Post subject:

Probably has quattro lot of time on his hands....

(That was a bit forced...)
_________________
On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 5:16 pm Post subject:

"him" · Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 11:43 am Post subject:

Paddy & Mick were trying to estimate the height of a flag pole. A builder walks past and they explain their problem to him.

He says "Thats simple fellas, watch this" he unbolts it, lies it flat, and measures it.

Paddy turns to Mick and says "Thick twat! We want to know the height not the fucking length!"
_________________
Remember - A gym without chalk is a heath spa...

Boxer6 · Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 10:28 pm Post subject:

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

An Irishman is sh@gging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the
f**k out of you if I could swim!'
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Boxer6 · Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject:

> It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
> Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert... If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
> Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
> OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
>
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> 1. What do you put in a toaster?
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> Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
> Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
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> 2. Say ' silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
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> Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
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> 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
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> Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
> If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
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> 4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?
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> Answer: You don't bury survivors.
> If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
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> 5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
> What was the name of the bus driver?
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> Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
> Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
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> Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Rodge · Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 9:40 am Post subject:

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate
of Stella and sticks them into the trolley 'What do you think you're
doing?' asks the wife 'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he
says 'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry
on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and
sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man, 'It's my face cream.
It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the
fu*king price'
_________________

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm...ds.individual&VideoID=2869045

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 11:38 pm Post subject:

Last night my missus asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies, so i stuck it up her arse and came on her face, while shouting "TAKE THAT BITCH".

From the look on her face, I'd hazard a guess that we don't watch the same movies...

Blarno · Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 11:14 pm Post subject:

A bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. The barman says:

"Why not Stella?"

"I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was fucking skint", replied the bloke.

"12 pints of anything costs near enough the same", quipped the barman.

"Skint is my dog's name........"
_________________
Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

Boxer6 · Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 4:45 pm Post subject:

Guido, the Italian lover

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'
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Just keepin' on keeping on.

Jasper · Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 6:08 pm Post subject:

What do you call Santa when he's stopped? Santa Pause.

Why did the one armed Snowman cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.

Ikea are doing a range of beds for Lesbians, there's no screwing involved, just tongue in groove.
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Boxer6 · Posted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 5:27 pm Post subject:

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE
ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS
ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'

*I got this in an email, and haven't checked it!!*
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 11:20 am Post subject:

Nicked from Sniff Petrol

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Mon Jan 12, 2009 5:16 pm Post subject:

Also from sniffpetrol:

Boxer6 · Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 3:53 pm Post subject: Govan Hurricane Appeal

A major hurricane (Senga) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit West Glasgow in the early hours of Yesterday with its epicentre in Govan. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Pure mental, man-no?'.

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Clyde FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Govan. One resident - Kiely McGlumpher, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said 'It gied me a pure fright so's it did, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. Ah wiz still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so's ah wiz.'

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and Bone China from Poundstretchers.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

* Fila or Burberry baseball caps
* Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
* Shell suits (female)
* White sport socks
* Rockport boots or Adidas trainers

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

* Microwave meals
* Pies from Greggs
* Tins of baked beans
* Ice cream
* Cans of Special Brew or bottle of Buckie.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and Irn Bru for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcho-pop,

'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked,
' Ibrox' said the girl, 'wits that tae you?'
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

DarthBalls · Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 11:01 pm Post subject:

Nice one B6 - brings back memories of working in the Southern General

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It's so cold right now that I'm thinking of catching gonorrhoea just for the burning sensation.

Rodge · Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:29 pm Post subject:

Irish lad in confession:

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, Dicky?""Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Brown?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Margaret Doyle?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Anne O'Neil?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Catherine 0' Toole then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 Months holiday and five good leads."
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http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm...ds.individual&VideoID=2869045

Boxer6 · Posted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 10:17 pm Post subject: 2008 Darwin Awards

Hopefully, this hasn't been posted before!!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here are the glorious top 10 winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Sarare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief in the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. that's the lady I stole the purse from.'
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember... They walk among us!!! **
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

BeN · Posted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 8:17 am Post subject:

I love the Burger King one.

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On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

Gurney · Posted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 10:30 am Post subject:

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is

completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running all the way across the top shelf
She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:

'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf'
_________________
A Gentleman: Def: A male of the species who can play the Trombone.

But refrains from doing so.

Blarno · Posted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 2:45 pm Post subject:

:.. ..:..:::..:.: :. :...:.: :.....::.:.:.:....:.: ..:....:..:.:..:.:..::... ..:. :.:...:..

Lots of love, Stevie Wonder.

______________________________________________________________

What's Snoop Dogg's favourite Scottish football team?

Partick Thizzle
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Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

Boxer6 · Posted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 2:50 pm Post subject:

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 5:43 pm Post subject:

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai TV refused to broadcast The Flintstones. A spokesman said Dubai people won't understand the humour, but those in Abu Dhabi do

Boxer6 · Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 1:54 pm Post subject: Irish vs. Blonde

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches...

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We
need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.