The Motor Forum Forum Index The Motor Forum
"We are mature men in the highest cadres of our careers"
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   Join! (free) Join! (free)
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Jokes - make me a sticky!
Page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    The Motor Forum Forum Index -> The Lounge
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Please Register and Login to this forum to stop seeing this advertising.






Posted:     Post subject:

Back to top
marcg
Motoring On

My Car: BMW E46 320d SE Touring

Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 962


Location: Bristol

PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:48 am    Post subject: Jokes - make me a sticky!  Reply with quote

Thought we could have a jokes thread:

Three vampires go into a bar for a drink.
The first vampire goes up to the bar and asks for a pint of blood. Barman says, "Coming right up" and duly provides.
Second vampire goes up and asks for a pint of blood-lite, "Of course" says the barman and serves him.
The last vampire goes up and asks for a cup of hot water. "Don't you want some blood, like your pals?" Asks the barman.
"No" says the vampire, taking out a used tampon, "I'm making tea".
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
marcg
Motoring On

My Car: BMW E46 320d SE Touring

Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 962


Location: Bristol

PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three surgeons are having an after work drink.
"My god I've had an easy day" says the 1st surgeon.
"Why's that then?" The others ask him.
"I've been operating on an accountant. They must be the easiest people to work on - you open them up and everything's numbered"

"That's nothing" says the second surgeon, "I've been operating on an electrician. You open them up and everything is colour coded!"

"You gentlemen know nothing" says the third, "I've been operating on a lawyer: They're brainless, spineless and their heads and arses are interchangable!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Stuntman
Twin-charged

My Car: M3 Saloon, Cayman S and GT4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 8046


Location: Cheltenham

PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 9:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How do you spot an extrovert accountant?
He's the one looking at your shoes when he's talking to you...

What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk in the middle of the Los Angeles Freeway?
There were skidmarks in front of the skunk!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dr. Hfuhruhurr
Propellorhead

My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 15518


Location: Europa

PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 9:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stuntman wrote:
How do you spot an extrovert accountant?
He's the one looking at your shoes when he's talking to you...

I'd heard that as an extrovert Finn ...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Stuntman
Twin-charged

My Car: M3 Saloon, Cayman S and GT4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 8046


Location: Cheltenham

PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nah, the extrovert Finn is taking a shit when he's supposed to be talking to you
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Paul Lees
Running In


Joined: 19 May 2007
Posts: 19



PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 1:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Northern Rock crisis has affected banking in Japan:
Oragami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank is cutting branches.
Shares in Kamakasi Bank have nose dived.
Employees at Karate Bank are in for the chop.
Meanwhile experts say there's something fishy  at Sushi Bank where they think customers are getting a raw deal!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Stuntman
Twin-charged

My Car: M3 Saloon, Cayman S and GT4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 8046


Location: Cheltenham

PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 1:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

But business at Shitake Bank has mushroomed?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dr. Hfuhruhurr
Propellorhead

My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 15518


Location: Europa

PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 9:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pfffffffffffft! You guys are good!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Scouse
Turbocharged

My Car: Volvo XC60/Ford Fiesta/Jaguar XJ

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 3591


Location: Ormskirk, Lancashire

PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you call 10,000 lawyers drowning in the sea.

A good start.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Stuntman
Twin-charged

My Car: M3 Saloon, Cayman S and GT4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 8046


Location: Cheltenham

PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why are there 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
Because deep down they're not that bad...

(Just to cheer up Racing!)  
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Racing Teatray
Nuclear

My Car: BMW 440i GC and Fiat 500

Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 12819


Location: Wrong side of the tracks

PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 4:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks but I'm too amused by the vampire tea to get upset by lawyer gags!
_________________
'Bahnwafting...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
.
Dieselhead

My Car: .

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 3761



PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 6:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Apologies to Matt.

Christmas time, valium and wine, children indulging in petty crime, dads on the smack and mums out her tree, Christmas is great when you come from Swilly!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Matt
Nuclear

My Car: Astra Coupe 1.8 SE2, Corsa 1.2 SXI

Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 11665


Location: Plymouth, UK

PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 8:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm more offended you think I'm actually a Swilly!
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
BeN
The Motor, Singapore branch.

My Car: Toyota Prius
View My Motor: .

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 11309


Location: Singapore

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 1:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why is it no good being an egg?

1) Because you only get laid once.
2) You need 5 minutes to get hard.
3) The only female to sit on you is your mother.

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Dr. Hfuhruhurr
Propellorhead

My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 15518


Location: Europa

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 1:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And the yokes keep coming ... did you poach that from another site, or did you scramble to type it in yourself?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
franki68
Supercharged


Joined: 10 Jan 2007
Posts: 5444



PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 4:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stevie Wonder wrote:
And the yokes keep coming ... did you poach that from another site, or did you scramble to type it in yourself?


Thats eggscrutiating .....don't start on the puns because if you get me punning you will regret it.You have been warned
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
.
Dieselhead

My Car: .

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 3761



PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

But franki you have been eggstremely quiet so far on the puns, we have had at least three or flour really good threads that have descended into punfests.

Anyway one for today:

Due too further flood warnings the governemnt has decided to evacuate all good looking and intellegent people too higher ground.  I would just like too say goodbye, I hope you can F******g swim!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dr. Hfuhruhurr
Propellorhead

My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 15518


Location: Europa

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 4:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mike wrote:
Due too further flood warnings the governemnt has decided to evacuate all good looking and intellegent people too higher ground.

Unfortunately, their criteria for intelligence is knowing the difference between "too" and "to" ...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
DaveGibson
Supercharged

My Car: Lexus IS250 SE-I Auto. Triumph TR7V8

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 5874


Location: Worcestershire

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 5:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stevie Wonder wrote:
Mike wrote:
Due too further flood warnings the governemnt has decided to evacuate all good looking and intellegent people too higher ground.

Unfortunately, their criteria for intelligence is knowing the difference between "too" and "to" ...


Well, Nick, you've failed too, because you've followed the plural noun 'criteria' with the singular verb 'is'.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Stuntman
Twin-charged

My Car: M3 Saloon, Cayman S and GT4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 8046


Location: Cheltenham

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Looks like only Dave's safe from the flooding so far!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dr. Hfuhruhurr
Propellorhead

My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 15518


Location: Europa

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Glug glug glug ...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
franki68
Supercharged


Joined: 10 Jan 2007
Posts: 5444



PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 10:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Point of order...a pun fest is known as a 'pun run' and I'm obviously not reading the right threads if have missed them.
As for this punctuation and spelling fuss,just use some comma n sense please,otherwise the board will grind to a full stop
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dr. Hfuhruhurr
Propellorhead

My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 15518


Location: Europa

PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 10:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You should be sentenced for those puns; I'd do it myself, but I must dash
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chocy Rocky
Turbocharged

My Car: His and hers red VWs

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 3700


Location: Athens of the North

PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 2:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why is Christmas day like going to work?

Because you put all the effort in and a fat bastard in a suit takes the credit.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Paul Lees
Running In


Joined: 19 May 2007
Posts: 19



PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 1:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The man caught stealing calanders was in court today.
He got 12 months!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Paul Lees
Running In


Joined: 19 May 2007
Posts: 19



PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 1:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

NEWSFLASH!!
Osama Bin Laden has been shot up the arse!

.......





Another bulletin later!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Geordie 350
Running In

My Car: xxx

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 58



PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 8:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?.....





Dam(n)!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
gooner
Twin-charged

My Car: Insignia low tax special and Fiat Panda Eleganza

Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 8923


Location: here, there and every bloody where!

PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 4:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Had this one sent to me, made me chuckle:

Psychiatric hotline - RING RING RING -

“Welcome to Psychiatric hotline… If you are obsessive compulsive please press 1 repeatedly… If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multi-personalities, please press 3,4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want – just stay on the line so that we can trace the call…
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press…. If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.”
_________________


- Insert clever and/or amusing quote here -
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
tali
Petrolhead

My Car: Dadwagon

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2111


Location: 923-935 Vendome Street

PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 10:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Police caught some kids sniffing battery acid - they are going to charge them in the morning
_________________
Watching for the coins to
Watching for the coins to fall.Butterfly, spread your painted wings.
For an answer from the Ching by the stream stretching in the rocks .
Tiger on the mountain-top. Walking on the Chinese Wall Watching for the coins to fall
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Blarno
Cheapskate Know-it-all

My Car: The Flying Glacier Mint

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 17038


Location: The Shores of Hell

PostPosted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why do women have 2 sets of lips?

So they can piss and moan at the same time.
_________________
Sphincteral Twitch: Debut EP "Disastrous Rectal Misfortune" work in progress.

Morbid Obesity: Debut album "Shallow Gravy" due...work in progress.

Spiderpuncher - A seedy trip into electro industrial madness.

Pathway - Punk. Loud. Probably crap.

Giant wrote:
Blarno is right
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 11:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Non-alcoholic lager is like licking your sisters fanny - the taste is the same, but it just isn't right.

(courtesy of some guy writing in to Superbike magazine!!)
_________________
I'll wait up in the dark

For you to speak to me . . .
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 11:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blonde wakes up to find her house is on fire so, in a most un-blonde fashion, immediately phones 999. She is put through to the Fire Brigade who ask,

"How do we get there, love?"

"Hellooooooo," she replies, "In a big red fucking TRUCK!"
_________________
I'll wait up in the dark

For you to speak to me . . .


Last edited by Boxer6 on Mon Dec 31, 2007 11:22 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 11:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Won't you kiss me, doctor?" asked the beautiful woman

"No," he replied, "it would be against my code of ethics".

"Please," she begged, "just one little kiss".

"No, it's completely out of the question" he went on, "in fact, I shouldn't really be having sex with you".........................
_________________
I'll wait up in the dark

For you to speak to me . . .
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 1:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A lad walks into his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum a good 'seeing to'. Dad, far from being embarrassed, merely laughs, throws a pillow at the lad, and tells him to "get out".

Several hours later, the dad hears loud squeals and moans emanating from his sons bedroom. Wondering what the Hell is happening, he rushes into the room to find the lad giving his granny one!

Horrified, the dad can only stand and stare horrified at the lad as he snarls,

"Not so funny when it's your mum, is it?"


(Sorry about that - it appeals to my hyperactive sense of the ridiculous!)
_________________
I'll wait up in the dark

For you to speak to me . . .
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
LittleSwill
Motoring On

My Car: Integrale 8v, Mx5 mk1 1.8s

Joined: 28 Dec 2006
Posts: 604


Location: Bristol

PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 1:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quality quote nicked from the BBC website -

Steve Parrish: "I think Stoner's got tyre issues."
Charlie Cox: "Yeah, they're not going round fast enough."
Steve Parrish and Charlie Cox commentating on the Dutch Moto GP after Valentino Rossi took the lead from Casey Stoner.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Boxer6
Twin-charged

My Car: Subaru Legacy Spec B.

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 9172


Location: The dark recesses of my mind......

PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 11:36 pm    Post subject: How to Make a Woman Happy Reply with quote

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes





HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food & beer.
_________________
I'll wait up in the dark

For you to speak to me . . .
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Blarno
Cheapskate Know-it-all

My Car: The Flying Glacier Mint

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 17038


Location: The Shores of Hell

PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An attractive young woman walks up to the bar in a rural pub.She signals for the barman to bring his face close to hers.

"Are you the manager?" She asked, running her fingers seductively through his hair.

"No, Love, sorry" He replies.

"Well can you give him a message?" She purred, stroking his face and allowing two of her fingers to slip into his mouth so he could suck them.

"Tell him there's no bog paper in the ladies"
_________________
Sphincteral Twitch: Debut EP "Disastrous Rectal Misfortune" work in progress.

Morbid Obesity: Debut album "Shallow Gravy" due...work in progress.

Spiderpuncher - A seedy trip into electro industrial madness.

Pathway - Punk. Loud. Probably crap.

Giant wrote:
Blarno is right
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Matt
Nuclear

My Car: Astra Coupe 1.8 SE2, Corsa 1.2 SXI

Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 11665


Location: Plymouth, UK

PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Big TC
Twin-charged

My Car: Diesel

Joined: 28 Dec 2006
Posts: 8487



PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What's the difference between an egg and a good shag?



You can beat an egg.....
_________________
M.S.P.S.G.L.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
DaveGibson
Supercharged

My Car: Lexus IS250 SE-I Auto. Triumph TR7V8

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 5874


Location: Worcestershire

PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?






You can put a floppy in a computer.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
BeN
The Motor, Singapore branch.

My Car: Toyota Prius
View My Motor: .

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 11309


Location: Singapore

PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I heard that one from you before Dave. Still funny.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Dr. Hfuhruhurr
Propellorhead

My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 15518


Location: Europa

PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 4:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DaveGibson wrote:
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

You can always rely on a computer to go down on you ...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
James
Running In

My Car: Clio 197 R27

Joined: 07 Nov 2007
Posts: 82



PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...




The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'



The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Blarno
Cheapskate Know-it-all

My Car: The Flying Glacier Mint

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 17038


Location: The Shores of Hell

PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 6:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you call a three-foot tall Jamaican?


A Yardie....
_________________
Sphincteral Twitch: Debut EP "Disastrous Rectal Misfortune" work in progress.

Morbid Obesity: Debut album "Shallow Gravy" due...work in progress.

Spiderpuncher - A seedy trip into electro industrial madness.

Pathway - Punk. Loud. Probably crap.

Giant wrote:
Blarno is right
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
DaveGibson
Supercharged

My Car: Lexus IS250 SE-I Auto. Triumph TR7V8

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 5874


Location: Worcestershire

PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 10:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.  Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.  Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live.  Maybe we could make love again ?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left.  He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey?  Please?  Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
 
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.  He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. Honey, I only have four hours left ! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dr. Hfuhruhurr
Propellorhead

My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 15518


Location: Europa

PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty dollars...' she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a few minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

The man looks at the woman. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers Indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well, neither did I, 'til you shone that light in her face!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
gooner
Twin-charged

My Car: Insignia low tax special and Fiat Panda Eleganza

Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 8923


Location: here, there and every bloody where!

PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 10:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What has the British weather got in common with an Iraqi?

It's either Sunni or Shite.
_________________


- Insert clever and/or amusing quote here -
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Mark
Turbocharged

My Car: BMW 320d M Sport Coupe

Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 3834



PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 8:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman brings 8-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says: "Let's not be too harsh on them. They are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?!" Replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Rodge
Turbocharged

My Car: Lexus RX300 and a Honda Odyssey.

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 4193


Location: Ireland or USA. Depends really

PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight
from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were
taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly
brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would
like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a
choice."
_________________
"Not everything you read on the Internet is true" - Oscar Wilde.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dr. Hfuhruhurr
Propellorhead

My Car: Mini Countryman Cooper S All4

Joined: 22 Dec 2006
Posts: 15518


Location: Europa

PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 5:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote



Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    The Motor Forum Forum Index -> The Lounge All times are GMT + 1 Hour
Page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next
Page 1 of 10

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

Card File  Gallery  Forum Archive
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group
Create your own free forum | Buy a domain to use with your forum