Jokes - make me a sticky!

marcg · Jokes - make me a sticky!

Thought we could have a jokes thread:

Three vampires go into a bar for a drink.
The first vampire goes up to the bar and asks for a pint of blood. Barman says, "Coming right up" and duly provides.
Second vampire goes up and asks for a pint of blood-lite, "Of course" says the barman and serves him.
The last vampire goes up and asks for a cup of hot water. "Don't you want some blood, like your pals?" Asks the barman.
"No" says the vampire, taking out a used tampon, "I'm making tea".

marcg

Three surgeons are having an after work drink.
"My god I've had an easy day" says the 1st surgeon.
"Why's that then?" The others ask him.
"I've been operating on an accountant. They must be the easiest people to work on - you open them up and everything's numbered"

"That's nothing" says the second surgeon, "I've been operating on an electrician. You open them up and everything is colour coded!"

"You gentlemen know nothing" says the third, "I've been operating on a lawyer: They're brainless, spineless and their heads and arses are interchangable!"

Stuntman

How do you spot an extrovert accountant?
He's the one looking at your shoes when he's talking to you...

What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk in the middle of the Los Angeles Freeway?
There were skidmarks in front of the skunk!

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

Stuntman

Nah, the extrovert Finn is taking a shit when he's supposed to be talking to you

Paul Lees

The Northern Rock crisis has affected banking in Japan:
Oragami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank is cutting branches.
Shares in Kamakasi Bank have nose dived.
Employees at Karate Bank are in for the chop.
Meanwhile experts say there's something fishy at Sushi Bank where they think customers are getting a raw deal!

Stuntman

But business at Shitake Bank has mushroomed?

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

Pfffffffffffft! You guys are good!

Scouse

What do you call 10,000 lawyers drowning in the sea.

A good start.

Stuntman

Why are there 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
Because deep down they're not that bad...

(Just to cheer up Racing!)

Racing

Thanks but I'm too amused by the vampire tea to get upset by lawyer gags!

.

Apologies to Matt.

Christmas time, valium and wine, children indulging in petty crime, dads on the smack and mums out her tree, Christmas is great when you come from Swilly!

Matt

I'm more offended you think I'm actually a Swilly!

BeN

Why is it no good being an egg?

1) Because you only get laid once.
2) You need 5 minutes to get hard.
3) The only female to sit on you is your mother.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

And the yokes keep coming ... did you poach that from another site, or did you scramble to type it in yourself?

franki68

.

But franki you have been eggstremely quiet so far on the puns, we have had at least three or flour really good threads that have descended into punfests.

Anyway one for today:

Due too further flood warnings the governemnt has decided to evacuate all good looking and intellegent people too higher ground. I would just like too say goodbye, I hope you can F******g swim!

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

DaveGibson

Stuntman

Looks like only Dave's safe from the flooding so far!

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

Glug glug glug ...

franki68

Point of order...a pun fest is known as a 'pun run' and I'm obviously not reading the right threads if have missed them.
As for this punctuation and spelling fuss,just use some comma n sense please,otherwise the board will grind to a full stop

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

You should be sentenced for those puns; I'd do it myself, but I must dash

Jasper

Why is Christmas day like going to work?

Because you put all the effort in and a fat bastard in a suit takes the credit.

Paul Lees

The man caught stealing calanders was in court today.
He got 12 months!

Paul Lees

NEWSFLASH!!
Osama Bin Laden has been shot up the arse!

.......

Another bulletin later!

Geordie 350

What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?.....

Dam(n)!

Gooner

Had this one sent to me, made me chuckle:

Psychiatric hotline - RING RING RING -

“Welcome to Psychiatric hotline… If you are obsessive compulsive please press 1 repeatedly… If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multi-personalities, please press 3,4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want – just stay on the line so that we can trace the call…
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press…. If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.”

tali

Police caught some kids sniffing battery acid - they are going to charge them in the morning

Blarno

Why do women have 2 sets of lips?

So they can piss and moan at the same time.

Boxer6

Non-alcoholic lager is like licking your sisters fanny - the taste is the same, but it just isn't right.

(courtesy of some guy writing in to Superbike magazine!!)

Boxer6

A blonde wakes up to find her house is on fire so, in a most un-blonde fashion, immediately phones 999. She is put through to the Fire Brigade who ask,

"How do we get there, love?"

"Hellooooooo," she replies, "In a big red fucking TRUCK!"

Boxer6

"Won't you kiss me, doctor?" asked the beautiful woman

"No," he replied, "it would be against my code of ethics".

"Please," she begged, "just one little kiss".

"No, it's completely out of the question" he went on, "in fact, I shouldn't really be having sex with you".........................

Boxer6

A lad walks into his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum a good 'seeing to'. Dad, far from being embarrassed, merely laughs, throws a pillow at the lad, and tells him to "get out".

Several hours later, the dad hears loud squeals and moans emanating from his sons bedroom. Wondering what the Hell is happening, he rushes into the room to find the lad giving his granny one!

Horrified, the dad can only stand and stare horrified at the lad as he snarls,

"Not so funny when it's your mum, is it?"

(Sorry about that - it appeals to my hyperactive sense of the ridiculous!)

LittleSwill

Quality quote nicked from the BBC website -

Steve Parrish: "I think Stoner's got tyre issues."
Charlie Cox: "Yeah, they're not going round fast enough."
Steve Parrish and Charlie Cox commentating on the Dutch Moto GP after Valentino Rossi took the lead from Casey Stoner.

Boxer6 · How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food & beer.

Blarno

An attractive young woman walks up to the bar in a rural pub.She signals for the barman to bring his face close to hers.

"Are you the manager?" She asked, running her fingers seductively through his hair.

"No, Love, sorry" He replies.

"Well can you give him a message?" She purred, stroking his face and allowing two of her fingers to slip into his mouth so he could suck them.

"Tell him there's no bog paper in the ladies"

Matt

Big TC

What's the difference between an egg and a good shag?

You can beat an egg.....

DaveGibson

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

You can put a floppy in a computer.

BeN

I heard that one from you before Dave. Still funny.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

James

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

Blarno

What do you call a three-foot tall Jamaican?

A Yardie....

DaveGibson

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. Honey, I only have four hours left ! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

A man was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty dollars...' she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a few minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

The man looks at the woman. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers Indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well, neither did I, 'til you shone that light in her face!"

Gooner

What has the British weather got in common with an Iraqi?

It's either Sunni or Shite.

Mark

A woman brings 8-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says: "Let's not be too harsh on them. They are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?!" Replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

Rodge

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight
from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were
taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly
brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would
like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a
choice."

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

Jasper

Sorry.

BeN

How long did Lionel Richie spend in the toilet?

All Night Long.

(I'm sooooo sorry...

)

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

Hopefully not while Dancing on the Ceiling

Stuntman

Politically incorrect as it may be, I genuinely LOL'ed at Jasper's joke!

Jasper

What pink, wrinkled and hangs out your pyjamas?

Your Mum!

Sav

Blarno

What's pink and stinks of Ginger?

Fred Astaire's dick.

Blarno

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out!

Stuntman

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a Walrus?

One's fat, has whiskers and smells of fish - and the other one's a sea mammal

Jasper

What's the difference between a Lesbian and a Whale?

About 2 stone and a pair of Doc Martins.

Mark

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new car.

Stuntman

Reminds me a bit of Roger McGough's poem Mothers In Leather Trousers.

Rodge

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

'Is there a problem Officer?'

The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'

'You don't have one?'

The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

The policeman says, 'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'

'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'

The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'

The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'

A man crashes into the car in front and a dwarf gets out.

"I'm not happy" says the dwarf.

"Well then, which one are you?" replies the man.

Rodge

WANTED . . . Illegal immigrant to act as a mud flap for a 1978 Ford Cortina. Must be flexible and willing to travel.

Blarno

3 ducks are waddling along happily, when they're stopped by a film crew interviewing waterfowl.

Interviewer: "Hi, what's your name and what have you been up to today?"

Duck 1: "Hi, I'm Frank and I've had a great time. I've been on the lake, been fed bread and I've been in and out of puddles"

Interviewer: "And what about you?"

Duck 2: "Yeah, I'm Pete and I've had a good day too. Swam the lake, had plenty of bread and been in and out of puddles. Good times."

The third duck doesn't look too happy, however.

Interviewer: "And what's your name?"

Duck 3: "Puddles"

tali

German dives into river and saves a drowning dog by giving kiss of life.
Thankful owner asks "Are you a vet?"
German replies "Vet ?, vet? - i'm bloody soaking!"

Blarno

Confucious say:

"Man who goes to bed with itchy arse, wakes up with smelly finger"

Rodge

Confucious say:

"Man who stand on toilet, high on pot"

DaveGibson

Confucius say:

"Man who take girl in field have piece on earth"

D.

Mercedes advert:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHX2mvFVQMs

Gurney

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple

DarthBalls

What's black and white and hung like a horse?

A zebra

I'll get me coat....

Stuntman

Reminds me of the elephant joke:

Why do elephants have four feet?
Because they'd look silly with four inches...

Gurney

TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man".

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

(I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women).

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

Li'ldude

Champion...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPjJFv1NDBg

SpecB

Courtesy of UKLegacy.com. Funniest I have heard in a long time: -

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and
slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped,
did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce, Bruce" she yelled.

Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Struth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his
mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said.

Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break
the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and
play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that
mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we
can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

Gurney

An ancient couple are having oral sex, after 10 minutes, the old bloke comes up for air and says, 'it's no good Ethel, I just can't stand the smell', 'Sorry Stan, that'll be my arthritis' 'How the devil can you have arthritis in your fanny Ethel' 'Don't be silly it's in my arm, I can't wipe my arse'.

Scouse

Stan & Ethel are sat at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.
Ethel leans forward with a sly smile on her face and says 'You know Stan, fifty years ago, we'd have been sat at this same table, the only difference being we'd both have been naked'.
Stan smiles back 'Well the kids are all gone, the grandkids aren't due around until this evening, so why don't we?'
Quick as a flash, well quick as two 70 odd year olds can, they strip off and sit back down. Ethel leans forward again 'Stan, my nipples are as hot for you now as they were 50 years ago.'
'I'm not surprised' says Stan 'one's in your coffee, the other is in your porridge!'

Rodge

Actual call centre conversations

Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then.."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Jasper

A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself:
"Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which
airline she works for. "
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself:" Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned
towards her again and said, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself,
while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.
He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said, "Smooth as Silk?"
This time the woman turned on him and said, "What the F*** do you want?"
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said - "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!"

Jasper

Ringo Starr says to Paul McCartney

'Will you ever go down on one knee again?'

'No' replies Paul 'and I wish you'd call her Heather.'

tali

My new car - i've just bought one of those Nissan Yourinals- i know they're a bit crappy but it's just for pissing about in

Nelson

Old woman walks into a cemetary fo find a young man crouched by a grave-stone. Morning, the old woman says. No, just having a shit says the man

Mark

What's got 500 balls and fucks Bunny Rabbits?

A shotgun cartridge.

Gooner

Blind guy walks into a shop and starts swinging his dog around his head. Store assistant meekly asks if he can help him. No thanks, he replies, I'm just looking around.

Gurney

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the area , stands up
and proclaims:

"If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new BMW every year and
his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here,

I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to
guarantee private secondary school education of his children!" More
sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar
stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, " F**k
the Vicar "

Li'ldude

Boxer6 · Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady
making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have
been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and
admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he
has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Walter

Rodge

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

Gurney

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Blarno

Mark Speight was found hanging out the back of Paddington...

...the furry TV bear is said to be shaken and sore, but in good spirits.

Gurney

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."

----------------------------------------------------------

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his Wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

------------------------------

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".

----------------------------------------------------------

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, A 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

----------------------------------------------------------

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday

Rodge

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to
buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the
law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Rodge

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Racing

Found this while searching old emails:

he Best jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2004

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me
to sleep at   night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when
I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

A lady with a   clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She
said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All
right, but we're not going to get much done."
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?"
And
you murmur to   yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork ...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to
arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most
of our family   holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

Sleeping with   prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on
its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself
that they're   enjoying it as well.
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go
join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've
already got   one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to   distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
very good at   it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
"This door is   alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
Arnold Brown at The Stand

Mark

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

tali

Max Mosley appointed new Derby County manager - they both enjoy a good thrashing

Racing

These really made me laugh (part of a larger set I was sent):

Don't tickle this:

So much tastier than the adult variety:

But taste like cat:

I knew it!:

Here, crippie, take my seat! Excuse me madam but you must be so pleased to be gravid:

Now we now what duck sauce really is:

Weird, because horse beans otherwise sound really delicious:

Why service yourself if others are willing to lend a hand?:

Paul Lees

Stan & Ethel meet in the nursing home & decide to get married.
On the weddding night Ethel turns tio Stan "You will be gentle with me won't you Stan? because I've got accute angina!"
stan: "That's good cos your tits are crap!"

Jokes - make me a sticky!

How to Make a Woman Happy

Why men don't write advice columns