The Motor Forum

marcg · Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:48 am Post subject: Jokes - make me a sticky!

Thought we could have a jokes thread:

Three vampires go into a bar for a drink.
The first vampire goes up to the bar and asks for a pint of blood. Barman says, "Coming right up" and duly provides.
Second vampire goes up and asks for a pint of blood-lite, "Of course" says the barman and serves him.
The last vampire goes up and asks for a cup of hot water. "Don't you want some blood, like your pals?" Asks the barman.
"No" says the vampire, taking out a used tampon, "I'm making tea".

marcg · Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:51 am Post subject:

Three surgeons are having an after work drink.
"My god I've had an easy day" says the 1st surgeon.
"Why's that then?" The others ask him.
"I've been operating on an accountant. They must be the easiest people to work on - you open them up and everything's numbered"

"That's nothing" says the second surgeon, "I've been operating on an electrician. You open them up and everything is colour coded!"

"You gentlemen know nothing" says the third, "I've been operating on a lawyer: They're brainless, spineless and their heads and arses are interchangable!"

Stuntman · Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 9:21 pm Post subject:

How do you spot an extrovert accountant?
He's the one looking at your shoes when he's talking to you...

What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk in the middle of the Los Angeles Freeway?
There were skidmarks in front of the skunk!
_________________
Drifting through life

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 9:44 pm Post subject:

Stuntman · Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:03 am Post subject:

Nah, the extrovert Finn is taking a shit when he's supposed to be talking to you

_________________
Drifting through life

Paul Lees · Running In Joined: 19 May 2007 Posts: 90

The Northern Rock crisis has affected banking in Japan:
Oragami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank is cutting branches.
Shares in Kamakasi Bank have nose dived.
Employees at Karate Bank are in for the chop.
Meanwhile experts say there's something fishy at Sushi Bank where they think customers are getting a raw deal!

Stuntman · Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 1:06 am Post subject:

But business at Shitake Bank has mushroomed?
_________________
Drifting through life

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 9:02 am Post subject:

Pfffffffffffft! You guys are good!

Scouse · Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:03 pm Post subject:

What do you call 10,000 lawyers drowning in the sea.

A good start.
_________________
Scouse

Stuntman · Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 2:58 pm Post subject:

Why are there 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
Because deep down they're not that bad...

(Just to cheer up Racing!)

_________________
Drifting through life

Racing · Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 4:17 pm Post subject:

Thanks but I'm too amused by the vampire tea to get upset by lawyer gags!
_________________

. · Dieselhead My Car: . Joined: 22 Dec 2006 Posts: 7595

Apologies to Matt.

Christmas time, valium and wine, children indulging in petty crime, dads on the smack and mums out her tree, Christmas is great when you come from Swilly!

Matt · Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 8:10 pm Post subject:

I'm more offended you think I'm actually a Swilly!
_________________

Small car, big heart.

BeN · Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 1:10 pm Post subject:

Why is it no good being an egg?

1) Because you only get laid once.
2) You need 5 minutes to get hard.
3) The only female to sit on you is your mother.

_________________
On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 1:29 pm Post subject:

And the yokes keep coming ... did you poach that from another site, or did you scramble to type it in yourself?

franki68 · Petrolhead Joined: 10 Jan 2007 Posts: 2382

. · Dieselhead My Car: . Joined: 22 Dec 2006 Posts: 7595

But franki you have been eggstremely quiet so far on the puns, we have had at least three or flour really good threads that have descended into punfests.

Anyway one for today:

Due too further flood warnings the governemnt has decided to evacuate all good looking and intellegent people too higher ground. I would just like too say goodbye, I hope you can F******g swim!

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 4:51 pm Post subject:

DaveGibson · Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 5:21 pm Post subject:

Stuntman · Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 5:42 pm Post subject:

Looks like only Dave's safe from the flooding so far!
_________________
Drifting through life

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 8:49 pm Post subject:

Glug glug glug ...

franki68 · Petrolhead Joined: 10 Jan 2007 Posts: 2382

Point of order...a pun fest is known as a 'pun run' and I'm obviously not reading the right threads if have missed them.
As for this punctuation and spelling fuss,just use some comma n sense please,otherwise the board will grind to a full stop

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 10:52 am Post subject:

You should be sentenced for those puns; I'd do it myself, but I must dash

Jasper · Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 2:32 pm Post subject:

Why is Christmas day like going to work?

Because you put all the effort in and a fat bastard in a suit takes the credit.
_________________

Paul Lees · Running In Joined: 19 May 2007 Posts: 90

The man caught stealing calanders was in court today.
He got 12 months!

Paul Lees · Running In Joined: 19 May 2007 Posts: 90

NEWSFLASH!!
Osama Bin Laden has been shot up the arse!

.......

Another bulletin later!

Geordie 350 · Running In My Car: xxx Joined: 22 Dec 2006 Posts: 185

What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?.....

Dam(n)!

Gooner · Posted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 4:56 pm Post subject:

Had this one sent to me, made me chuckle:

Psychiatric hotline - RING RING RING -

“Welcome to Psychiatric hotline… If you are obsessive compulsive please press 1 repeatedly… If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multi-personalities, please press 3,4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want – just stay on the line so that we can trace the call…
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press…. If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.”
_________________

- Insert clever and/or amusing quote here -

tali · Posted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 10:40 pm Post subject:

Police caught some kids sniffing battery acid - they are going to charge them in the morning
_________________

23 mpg -94pug 405td
22mpg -87mg montego turbo
18-22mpg -83toyota camry 1.8
17-mpg -91citroen ax gt
17 mpg -80 toyota starlet 1.2
16mpg -85montego 1.6
15mpg -99mondeo 2.0auto

Blarno · Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 9:02 pm Post subject:

Why do women have 2 sets of lips?

So they can piss and moan at the same time.
_________________
Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

Boxer6 · Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 11:16 am Post subject:

Non-alcoholic lager is like licking your sisters fanny - the taste is the same, but it just isn't right.

(courtesy of some guy writing in to Superbike magazine!!)
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Boxer6 · Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 11:19 am Post subject:

A blonde wakes up to find her house is on fire so, in a most un-blonde fashion, immediately phones 999. She is put through to the Fire Brigade who ask,

"How do we get there, love?"

"Hellooooooo," she replies, "In a big red fucking TRUCK!"
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Boxer6 · Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 11:22 am Post subject:

"Won't you kiss me, doctor?" asked the beautiful woman

"No," he replied, "it would be against my code of ethics".

"Please," she begged, "just one little kiss".

"No, it's completely out of the question" he went on, "in fact, I shouldn't really be having sex with you".........................
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Boxer6 · Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 1:02 pm Post subject:

A lad walks into his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum a good 'seeing to'. Dad, far from being embarrassed, merely laughs, throws a pillow at the lad, and tells him to "get out".

Several hours later, the dad hears loud squeals and moans emanating from his sons bedroom. Wondering what the Hell is happening, he rushes into the room to find the lad giving his granny one!

Horrified, the dad can only stand and stare horrified at the lad as he snarls,

"Not so funny when it's your mum, is it?"

(Sorry about that - it appeals to my hyperactive sense of the ridiculous!)
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

LittleSwill · Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 1:24 pm Post subject:

Quality quote nicked from the BBC website -

Steve Parrish: "I think Stoner's got tyre issues."
Charlie Cox: "Yeah, they're not going round fast enough."
Steve Parrish and Charlie Cox commentating on the Dutch Moto GP after Valentino Rossi took the lead from Casey Stoner.
_________________

Boxer6 · Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 11:36 pm Post subject: How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food & beer.
_________________
Just keepin' on keeping on.

Blarno · Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 8:56 pm Post subject:

An attractive young woman walks up to the bar in a rural pub.She signals for the barman to bring his face close to hers.

"Are you the manager?" She asked, running her fingers seductively through his hair.

"No, Love, sorry" He replies.

"Well can you give him a message?" She purred, stroking his face and allowing two of her fingers to slip into his mouth so he could suck them.

"Tell him there's no bog paper in the ladies"
_________________
Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

Matt · Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 11:10 pm Post subject:

_________________

Small car, big heart.

Big TC · Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:01 pm Post subject:

What's the difference between an egg and a good shag?

You can beat an egg.....
_________________

It's a '57 Pontiac Star Chief, dontchaknow.

DaveGibson · Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:19 pm Post subject:

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

You can put a floppy in a computer.

BeN · Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 4:23 pm Post subject:

I heard that one from you before Dave. Still funny.

_________________
On the other side of the world - Hurlecot de Millou

Not the same since 2008

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 4:36 pm Post subject:

James · Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 6:54 pm Post subject:

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

Blarno · Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 6:56 pm Post subject:

What do you call a three-foot tall Jamaican?

A Yardie....
_________________
Arms held out, in the Jesus Christ Pose.

DaveGibson · Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 10:34 pm Post subject:

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. Honey, I only have four hours left ! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:33 pm Post subject:

A man was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty dollars...' she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a few minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

The man looks at the woman. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers Indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well, neither did I, 'til you shone that light in her face!"

Gooner · Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 10:30 pm Post subject:

What has the British weather got in common with an Iraqi?

It's either Sunni or Shite.
_________________

- Insert clever and/or amusing quote here -

Mark · Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 8:23 am Post subject:

A woman brings 8-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says: "Let's not be too harsh on them. They are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?!" Replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

Rodge · Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 5:42 pm Post subject:

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight
from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were
taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly
brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would
like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a
choice."
_________________

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm...ds.individual&VideoID=2869045

Dr. Hfuhruhurr · Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 5:53 pm Post subject: